1 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:19,441 Hello! And you've joined me in the glorious, sumptuous town of Whitby 2 00:00:19,801 --> 00:00:23,081 for what is normally a festival of noise, speed, power 3 00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:24,961 and tortured metaphors. 4 00:00:25,641 --> 00:00:29,761 This year, though, things are likely to be a little more dreary, 5 00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:35,921 for reasons that will become clear in three, two, one. Now. 6 00:00:36,521 --> 00:00:39,881 Hello! I'm here with this thing that appears to have risen 7 00:00:39,961 --> 00:00:41,321 from the depths of Whitby Harbour, 8 00:00:41,521 --> 00:00:44,801 because we're going to attempt to answer a very important question. 9 00:00:44,881 --> 00:00:48,761 What is the worst car in the history of the world? 10 00:00:49,241 --> 00:00:52,121 And obviously, I couldn't let him do it by himself because he'd get it wrong. 11 00:00:52,721 --> 00:00:54,401 Why would I get it wrong? 12 00:00:54,481 --> 00:00:57,561 Because you're obsessed with things that don't matter. 13 00:00:57,801 --> 00:00:58,961 No, I'm not. 14 00:00:59,241 --> 00:01:00,521 Yes, you are. 15 00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:02,081 - I'm not. - You are. 16 00:01:02,561 --> 00:01:05,721 Look, I said you could only appear in my programme 17 00:01:06,561 --> 00:01:09,241 provided you promised that you wouldn't argue with me all the time. 18 00:01:09,441 --> 00:01:14,201 I promised not to argue with you if you were reasonable in my programme. 19 00:01:14,601 --> 00:01:17,921 James, you're arguing now and we haven't even got to the titles. 20 00:01:18,441 --> 00:01:19,801 Yes, we have. 21 00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:23,441 (TH EME MUSIC PLAYING) 22 00:01:46,761 --> 00:01:48,441 This is very nasty. 23 00:01:49,081 --> 00:01:50,401 It's a FSO Polonez. 24 00:01:51,201 --> 00:01:54,321 Built by communists out of steel so thin 25 00:01:54,601 --> 00:01:56,201 you could use it as a net curtain. 26 00:01:56,401 --> 00:02:00,361 It is as reliable and as long lasting as a pensioner's erection. 27 00:02:02,761 --> 00:02:05,721 JEREMY CLARKSON: A point it made moments later. 28 00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:07,681 Completely stopped. 29 00:02:08,841 --> 00:02:11,881 With absolutely nothing working at all. 30 00:02:13,161 --> 00:02:14,681 (RATTLING) 31 00:02:17,601 --> 00:02:18,841 Opén! 32 00:02:20,281 --> 00:02:21,361 Ah. 33 00:02:22,761 --> 00:02:24,481 There's your problem. 34 00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:26,961 Sparky bits. 35 00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,841 Insulated. 36 00:02:30,201 --> 00:02:32,561 Ahh! Bloody hell, that's hot. 37 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,001 -(ENGINE SPUTTERING) - A-ha! 38 00:02:35,401 --> 00:02:37,121 (ENGINE REVVING) 39 00:02:40,241 --> 00:02:42,961 Let me talk you through some of the equipment that is provided 40 00:02:43,201 --> 00:02:46,201 as standard on this, the luxury CE model. 41 00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,841 It has a heated rear window. 42 00:02:49,841 --> 00:02:51,121 Um... 43 00:02:52,561 --> 00:02:53,881 Uh... 44 00:02:55,881 --> 00:02:58,641 Oh! I've found another feature, air-conditioning. 45 00:03:02,601 --> 00:03:03,961 Apparently, 46 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:08,241 the intermittent Fiat engine in this has 1.5 litres, 47 00:03:08,401 --> 00:03:12,961 which begs the question, 1 .5 litres of what? 48 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:18,601 Cheese? Wallpaper paste? Marbles? Earwigs? 49 00:03:19,881 --> 00:03:21,201 (ENGINE SPUTTERS) 50 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,881 JEREMY: Sadly, I wasn't able to test out the performance 51 00:03:23,961 --> 00:03:27,201 because the Polonez had another little treat up its sleeve. 52 00:03:27,521 --> 00:03:28,721 (CLICKS) 53 00:03:28,921 --> 00:03:30,521 No, and it's broken down again. 54 00:03:30,801 --> 00:03:32,361 There that's... 55 00:03:34,561 --> 00:03:37,401 Okay, just count to 10, Jeremy, count to 10. 56 00:03:38,721 --> 00:03:42,201 (SOFTLY) Seven, eight, nine, ten. 57 00:03:42,561 --> 00:03:44,481 (SHOUTING) You useless piece of... 58 00:03:46,081 --> 00:03:50,481 Of course, history has served up many cars that drove as badly as this, 59 00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:53,321 but few looked quite so terrible. 60 00:03:55,881 --> 00:03:58,321 Amazingly, it was styled by Giugiaro, 61 00:03:58,401 --> 00:04:01,241 the man who gave us the original Volksawagen Scirocco, 62 00:04:01,321 --> 00:04:03,921 the Lotus Esprit, the BMW M1, 63 00:04:04,001 --> 00:04:07,161 and countless other breathtakingly beautiful cars. 64 00:04:07,641 --> 00:04:09,881 I can only assume that here 65 00:04:09,961 --> 00:04:13,761 he was experimenting with the idea of trying to design a car 66 00:04:13,841 --> 00:04:16,681 after consuming four litres of absinthe. 67 00:04:17,681 --> 00:04:19,201 (IMITATES AS DRUNK) All right, I've got it now. 68 00:04:23,561 --> 00:04:26,921 Jeremy Clarkson is, unusually, quite correct. 69 00:04:27,081 --> 00:04:29,921 The Polonez is a truly dreadful car. 70 00:04:30,001 --> 00:04:34,481 However, I have found something literally even worse. 71 00:04:34,681 --> 00:04:37,081 (INDIAN SONG PLAYING) 72 00:04:43,601 --> 00:04:46,321 This is the Mahindra Cj540jeep. 73 00:04:46,401 --> 00:04:50,721 And like the FSO, it, too, is made from hand-me-down bits. 74 00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:53,001 But they're much worse bits. 75 00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:55,001 (SITAR MUSIC PLAYING) 76 00:04:55,721 --> 00:04:58,441 It started life as Willysjeep, 77 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:02,921 the thing that American servicemen used to distribute chocolates and nylons 78 00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:06,721 all around the European theatre in World War II. 79 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,881 When the war was over, the Indians decided 80 00:05:10,041 --> 00:05:14,001 they would keep on making it, but with a few alterations. 81 00:05:15,681 --> 00:05:17,561 Firstly, they ruined the suspension 82 00:05:17,641 --> 00:05:20,761 by taking it off and replacing it with some old road drills. 83 00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:23,561 And then, in order to accommodate 84 00:05:23,641 --> 00:05:26,921 the second-hand Peugeot diesel engine they'd been given, 85 00:05:27,001 --> 00:05:28,681 they had to raise the bonnet line. 86 00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:33,641 That spoiled its good square-jawed, war-winning looks. 87 00:05:34,641 --> 00:05:37,081 Now it just looks as if it's been given a massive wedgie. 88 00:05:39,721 --> 00:05:42,481 It's so woeful on so many levels, this thing. 89 00:05:42,561 --> 00:05:44,041 But the steering... 90 00:05:44,481 --> 00:05:47,721 I don't know what means are used to connect this wheel 91 00:05:48,041 --> 00:05:50,321 to the wheels at the front, and it's loose! 92 00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:53,121 Look! It's gonna fall off. 93 00:05:54,281 --> 00:05:56,201 That's if I don't fall out. 94 00:06:00,921 --> 00:06:03,561 You could, of course, argue that this is a comedy car, 95 00:06:03,641 --> 00:06:05,281 that you're driving it ironically. 96 00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:08,881 But it's not a joke, you see, because jokes are funny. 97 00:06:09,041 --> 00:06:11,601 And this isn't funny. This is... 98 00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:18,521 And ifjeremy thinks that FSO is slow, he is being delusional. 99 00:06:20,361 --> 00:06:21,921 A point I shall now demonstrate 100 00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:24,161 with the traditional Top Gear quarter-mile drag race. 101 00:06:29,161 --> 00:06:30,641 (ENGINE REVVING) 102 00:06:33,481 --> 00:06:36,161 2.1 litres, 62 horsepower. 103 00:06:36,801 --> 00:06:39,081 Three, two, one. 104 00:06:53,401 --> 00:06:54,721 (GRUNTS) Oh, no! 105 00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:57,881 Jeremy's lost his knob. 106 00:06:58,121 --> 00:06:59,521 (LAUGHS) No. 107 00:07:02,961 --> 00:07:04,361 It's neck-and-neck! 108 00:07:05,881 --> 00:07:07,161 I'm growing a beard. 109 00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:12,241 (CARS APPROACHING) 110 00:07:15,281 --> 00:07:16,681 It's a photo finish! 111 00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:23,921 JEREMY: Ana' the photo showed nothing between their rubbishness. 112 00:07:24,441 --> 00:07:27,001 Both these cars are very horrid. 113 00:07:27,361 --> 00:07:31,121 But strangely, neither is the worst car in the world 114 00:07:32,041 --> 00:07:33,761 and here's wh y. 115 00:07:34,441 --> 00:07:38,161 History, of course, is littered with thousands of extremely nasty cars. 116 00:07:38,601 --> 00:07:41,681 The Lada Samara springs immediately to mind. 117 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,681 And what was that thing that you drove once, the Hyundai... 118 00:07:43,841 --> 00:07:45,841 Yes, the three-cylinder Accident diesel. 119 00:07:45,961 --> 00:07:47,241 JEREMY: That was very poor. 120 00:07:47,321 --> 00:07:49,241 The thing is, though, all the cars we're talking about here, 121 00:07:49,321 --> 00:07:51,281 and the jeep thing and the FSO, 122 00:07:51,401 --> 00:07:54,241 they're all cheap, and cheap is a good thing. 123 00:07:54,321 --> 00:07:56,321 Yes, and that's the point we're here to make. 124 00:07:56,401 --> 00:07:59,161 Here, in the glorious surroundings of Yorkshire, 125 00:07:59,281 --> 00:08:02,361 we're going to look for a car that is terrible but not cheap. 126 00:08:02,481 --> 00:08:05,601 Yeah, and made by a manufacturer that should have known better. 127 00:08:05,761 --> 00:08:08,201 Yes, and when we find it, which we will, 128 00:08:08,281 --> 00:08:10,001 we've got a plan for what to do with it. 129 00:08:10,321 --> 00:08:11,521 Yeah, it is a brilliant plan, 130 00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:14,721 and if you want, you can fast-forward to the end and find out what it is. 131 00:08:14,801 --> 00:08:17,761 But of course if you do that you'd miss this. 132 00:08:18,481 --> 00:08:20,081 (TYRES SCREECHING) 133 00:08:21,121 --> 00:08:22,921 (ENGINE ROARING) 134 00:08:24,521 --> 00:08:27,761 JEREMY: The brand-new Ferrari 458 Spider. 135 00:08:30,561 --> 00:08:35,441 A car that bothjames and I agree is the best mid-engine supercar ever. 136 00:08:36,481 --> 00:08:38,081 (ENGINE ROARING) 137 00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:47,841 When you take the roof off a car, obviously it loses a bit of rigidity. 138 00:08:48,241 --> 00:08:51,401 And it gets heavier because they have to put more stiffening in. 139 00:08:51,801 --> 00:08:54,081 Everybody always says that. Can you tell the difference? 140 00:08:54,321 --> 00:08:57,321 - Let me just be exuberant for a moment. - Be exuberant for a moment. 141 00:09:02,281 --> 00:09:03,521 - No. - Good. 142 00:09:05,761 --> 00:09:08,401 Okay, so there's no downside, but the upside is, 143 00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:10,281 you can hear more of that. 144 00:09:10,561 --> 00:09:12,241 (ENGINE ROARING) 145 00:09:14,001 --> 00:09:17,441 - And it's sort of more theatre. - Yeah, absolutely. 146 00:09:18,961 --> 00:09:20,121 (TYRES SCREECHING) 147 00:09:28,521 --> 00:09:30,681 In a Ferrari, everything 148 00:09:30,841 --> 00:09:33,961 from the shape to the sensation of really tiny things, 149 00:09:34,161 --> 00:09:35,601 like touching those paddles, 150 00:09:35,681 --> 00:09:38,441 is somehow slightly better defined than it is anywhere else. 151 00:09:38,841 --> 00:09:41,361 And it has more tactile meaning, do you know what I mean? 152 00:09:41,721 --> 00:09:43,761 Stop talking. I want to listen to the noise. 153 00:09:44,081 --> 00:09:45,761 (ENGINE ROARING) 154 00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:48,281 It's a performance artwork. 155 00:09:48,761 --> 00:09:51,921 It's like music and dance. That is what it's like, I think. 156 00:09:53,321 --> 00:09:56,281 That's why it's so much better than something like the Mercedes SLS. 157 00:09:56,441 --> 00:09:58,641 And it's funny I should mention that, actually. 158 00:09:58,761 --> 00:10:00,081 What? 159 00:10:00,161 --> 00:10:02,321 That's why this is so much better than an SLS. 160 00:10:12,441 --> 00:10:15,081 You have long argued that that car is better than this. 161 00:10:15,161 --> 00:10:16,241 It is. 162 00:10:16,321 --> 00:10:18,841 JAMES: You've just been waxing about this car and how wonderful it is. 163 00:10:18,921 --> 00:10:20,281 No,no,no,no,no. 164 00:10:20,361 --> 00:10:24,641 As a car, the Mercedes is better for going to the shops for milk 165 00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,961 on a wet November evening. 166 00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:29,041 Trust me, that is a better car. 167 00:10:32,241 --> 00:10:34,681 JEREMY: It's got a boot at the back, the engine's at the front. 168 00:10:35,121 --> 00:10:37,241 It's less showy, it's a better car. 169 00:10:37,401 --> 00:10:38,521 Less showy? 170 00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,201 (ENGINE ROARING) 171 00:10:43,641 --> 00:10:45,281 - Overtake it. - It's not possible. 172 00:10:48,841 --> 00:10:51,001 He's got more brake horsepower than I have. 173 00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:52,121 One. 174 00:10:52,201 --> 00:10:53,241 - What? - One. 175 00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,041 One what? 176 00:10:55,401 --> 00:10:58,041 - He's got one more brake horsepower. - There you are, it's more. 177 00:11:02,121 --> 00:11:05,001 Right, neatly through the chicane. Beans. 178 00:11:07,761 --> 00:11:09,681 - Now I'm stuck. - You lifted off. 179 00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:10,801 I didn't! 180 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:13,321 - This is fraudulent. You're cheating. -(LAUGHS) 181 00:11:17,401 --> 00:11:20,161 JAMES: Unsurprisingl y, after just five laps, 182 00:11:20,361 --> 00:11:22,241 the SL5 tyres gave in. 183 00:11:22,801 --> 00:11:24,321 (CAMERA CLICKING) 184 00:11:26,241 --> 00:11:28,761 Ana' it was relegated to the pits. 185 00:11:33,201 --> 00:11:36,081 That's a perfect demonstration of what's wrong with it, you see. 186 00:11:36,161 --> 00:11:40,161 One hundred extra pound feet of torque, and all it does is destroy the tyres. 187 00:11:40,481 --> 00:11:42,921 JEREMY: I like a car that eats itself. 188 00:11:43,081 --> 00:11:45,321 - JAMES: No, you don't. - I do! It's savagery. 189 00:11:45,441 --> 00:11:48,321 What does that extra one hundred pound feet of torque do? 190 00:11:48,521 --> 00:11:51,481 Other than send you to a tyre depot. Sooner. 191 00:11:52,121 --> 00:11:54,441 - It's not funny. - It is funny. (LAUGHS) 192 00:11:59,321 --> 00:12:00,601 JAM ES: What this has proved then 193 00:12:00,681 --> 00:12:03,681 is that with the 458, Ferrari knows what it's doing. 194 00:12:03,921 --> 00:12:06,521 Ana' has done for the last 65 years. 195 00:12:08,081 --> 00:12:10,041 (OPERA MUSIC PLAYING) 196 00:12:10,441 --> 00:12:14,801 The Ferrari back catalogue is a cocktail of perfection. 197 00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:18,721 A symphony of intelligence, flair, 198 00:12:18,961 --> 00:12:22,201 technical innovation and art. 199 00:12:25,961 --> 00:12:28,121 So, what were they thinking of when, 200 00:12:28,241 --> 00:12:31,441 in 7980, they came up with the Mondial. 201 00:12:34,401 --> 00:12:37,241 This is Lennon and McCartney's Egg Man. 202 00:12:37,521 --> 00:12:38,881 (WHISPERS) Rubbish. 203 00:12:42,481 --> 00:12:44,241 Six thousand people 204 00:12:44,361 --> 00:12:47,441 bought one of these, assuming, reasonably enough, 205 00:12:47,521 --> 00:12:49,161 that it would be terrific. 206 00:12:49,241 --> 00:12:53,281 It's a Ferrari, it has styling by Pininfarina, a V8 engine. 207 00:12:53,721 --> 00:12:56,761 All the things that make a Ferrari great. 208 00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:57,881 But... 209 00:13:00,561 --> 00:13:03,361 It's slower than a Golf GTI. 210 00:13:03,481 --> 00:13:05,321 And it doesn't handle as well. 211 00:13:08,401 --> 00:13:11,321 Who did they have in mind when they designed the seating position? 212 00:13:11,521 --> 00:13:13,241 I mean, I have reasonably long legs, 213 00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:14,761 but not exceptionally so. 214 00:13:14,841 --> 00:13:16,521 If I put the seat in the right position, 215 00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:19,961 the steering wheel is pretty much sawing my testicles off. 216 00:13:21,481 --> 00:13:24,441 JAMES: Ana' things are even worse in the back. 217 00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:27,281 The rear seats look as though they were designed for somebody 218 00:13:27,361 --> 00:13:29,681 with no body below the pelvis. 219 00:13:32,921 --> 00:13:34,921 If you're one of those brave people who thinks 220 00:13:35,121 --> 00:13:37,441 "I'm not going to buy a small family hatchback, 221 00:13:37,521 --> 00:13:39,321 "I'm gonna buy a cheap Ferrari." 222 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,921 You'd probably end up with one of these. 223 00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:44,961 And you would be bitterly disappointed. 224 00:13:49,201 --> 00:13:51,641 James, do you mind if I ask you a rhetorical question? 225 00:13:51,721 --> 00:13:52,761 Mmm-hmm. Carry on. 226 00:13:52,881 --> 00:13:56,361 Is there anything else wrong with the Mondial that you can think of? 227 00:13:56,881 --> 00:13:58,481 No, I think I've covered pretty much everything. 228 00:13:58,641 --> 00:13:59,721 - Really? - Mmm. 229 00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:01,121 Oh, no! There was one of... 230 00:14:01,201 --> 00:14:02,641 Actually, if you stick your head down there... 231 00:14:02,721 --> 00:14:04,441 - Yes. -...I can demonstrate it to you. 232 00:14:04,521 --> 00:14:06,201 - Yeah. -(ENGINE WHIRRING) 233 00:14:06,841 --> 00:14:08,081 (WHOOPING) 234 00:14:09,161 --> 00:14:12,601 So, what it's doing is, it's feeding the petrol from the fuel tank 235 00:14:12,761 --> 00:14:15,761 directly back into the earth again, without going through the engine. 236 00:14:16,001 --> 00:14:19,121 Yes, it doesn't bother with any of that pesky internal combustion nonsense 237 00:14:19,201 --> 00:14:20,401 that other cars do. 238 00:14:20,481 --> 00:14:21,921 Here, end it. 239 00:14:24,481 --> 00:14:26,361 JEREMY: However; it was by no means 240 00:14:26,441 --> 00:14:28,601 the worst catastrophe in Ferrari's history 241 00:14:28,681 --> 00:14:31,361 because if that was Lennon and McCartney's Egg Man, 242 00:14:31,721 --> 00:14:34,561 this is Chuck Berry's Ding A Ling. 243 00:14:37,681 --> 00:14:39,481 (ENGINE ROARING) 244 00:14:40,761 --> 00:14:43,601 Built to celebrate Ferrari's 50th anniversary, 245 00:14:43,721 --> 00:14:46,041 it was launched in 7995, 246 00:14:46,121 --> 00:14:48,801 48 years after the company was founded. 247 00:14:50,561 --> 00:14:52,881 The idea was very simple. 248 00:14:53,041 --> 00:14:56,641 Ferrari wanted to make an everyday Formula 1 car, 249 00:14:56,841 --> 00:15:00,601 so that 349 of their better-off customers 250 00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:02,881 could experience on the road 251 00:15:03,081 --> 00:15:05,641 whatjean Alesi and Gerhard Berger 252 00:15:05,721 --> 00:15:08,321 were experiencing back then on the track. 253 00:15:10,321 --> 00:15:13,521 JEREMY: Of course, some changes had to be made to the F7 engine 254 00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:16,881 before it would work in, say, traffic or on a roundabouzj 255 00:15:16,961 --> 00:15:19,121 or in a garage or on a motorway. 256 00:15:19,321 --> 00:15:22,161 Orin faczj anywhere it might actually be used. 257 00:15:22,961 --> 00:15:24,201 (ENGINE ROARING) 258 00:15:24,521 --> 00:15:29,201 So the V12 in this shows almost nothing in common 259 00:15:30,441 --> 00:15:32,041 with an F1 V12. 260 00:15:32,561 --> 00:15:35,721 This one only revs to 8,500. 261 00:15:36,481 --> 00:15:38,401 It's a 4.7, so it's bigger. 262 00:15:38,601 --> 00:15:41,281 And while it makes a lot of noise, 263 00:15:41,881 --> 00:15:46,561 it's not really the sound you get from an F1 car, is it? 264 00:15:46,881 --> 00:15:48,161 WhOOp$! 265 00:15:51,641 --> 00:15:54,361 JEREMY: The only really Formula 1-ey thing about it 266 00:15:54,841 --> 00:15:58,321 is that it's a stress member, it's a part of the chassis. 267 00:15:58,641 --> 00:16:02,041 It's bolted directly to the tub. 268 00:16:02,721 --> 00:16:06,801 Which means, of course, it's bolted directly to the driver's spine. 269 00:16:07,681 --> 00:16:13,561 And that means he gets to feel every single one of the vibrations. 270 00:16:17,121 --> 00:16:19,281 JEREMY: There was a weight issue, too. 271 00:16:19,401 --> 00:16:22,961 Formula 7 cars do not need head lamps or indicators, 272 00:16:23,041 --> 00:16:25,441 or even a sodding great battery. 273 00:16:25,761 --> 00:16:27,001 This did. 274 00:16:27,121 --> 00:16:30,361 Ana' nor do Formula 7 cars have to meet noise regulations. 275 00:16:33,281 --> 00:16:37,281 Ana' what's more, F7 cars don '2' need rubber in their suspension bushes 276 00:16:37,441 --> 00:16:39,681 to protect the occupants from shattering 277 00:16:39,841 --> 00:16:42,321 every time the car goes over an amoeba. 278 00:16:44,801 --> 00:16:46,881 It's nothing like a Formula 1 car. 279 00:16:47,401 --> 00:16:50,401 And nor is it anything like a car you'd want to drive. 280 00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,121 Or look at. 281 00:16:54,401 --> 00:16:57,561 JEREMY: What is was, was a big expensive mongrel. 282 00:17:02,681 --> 00:17:06,921 Obviously, as cars, the Ferraris are nowhere near as bad as the 283 00:17:07,281 --> 00:17:08,801 Mahindra and the FSO. 284 00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,801 But, when you consider what they cost, 285 00:17:12,441 --> 00:17:14,401 and what you were expecting, 286 00:17:15,281 --> 00:17:17,001 actually, they're worse. 287 00:17:19,601 --> 00:17:22,481 JAMES: Mind you, when it comes to disappointmenzj 288 00:17:22,561 --> 00:17:25,321 it's hard to beat the BMW X3. 289 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:31,521 It's supposed to be a more compact version of the X54x4. 290 00:17:32,241 --> 00:17:35,921 But it's a bit like going out with a two-thirds-scale Dolly Parton 291 00:17:36,481 --> 00:17:39,441 and expecting her to bejust as comfortable to rest your head on. 292 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,361 The ride is not very good. 293 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,281 It's not particularly good off-road, 294 00:17:45,361 --> 00:17:47,321 and it's not very spacious. 295 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:50,041 But more to the point, the proportions are all wrong. 296 00:17:50,321 --> 00:17:53,481 It looks like what happens when somebody takes a very well-known car shape 297 00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,601 and tries to use it as the basis of a novelty telephone. 298 00:17:58,121 --> 00:18:00,881 JAMES: If this had been built by Hyundai or /(ia, 299 00:18:00,961 --> 00:18:02,481 then you wouldn't worry. 300 00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:06,761 But it wasn't built by Hyundai or /(ia 301 00:18:07,601 --> 00:18:11,081 It was built by the same company, at the same time, 302 00:18:11,161 --> 00:18:14,241 and by the same people who built this. 303 00:18:20,361 --> 00:18:24,161 This, of course, is an M3, a limited edition M3. 304 00:18:24,321 --> 00:18:26,081 £1,000 more than the standard car. 305 00:18:26,521 --> 00:18:30,081 And for that you get £4,000 worth of extras. 306 00:18:30,521 --> 00:18:32,521 So you're paying £1,000 extra 307 00:18:32,641 --> 00:18:35,601 and you're getting 4,000 quid's worth of stuff you don't want, 308 00:18:35,721 --> 00:18:38,001 in a car that's already gone out of production. 309 00:18:40,281 --> 00:18:44,961 Yes, it is, though, mechanically the same as the standard car. 310 00:18:45,721 --> 00:18:47,241 Which means it is 311 00:18:47,881 --> 00:18:49,801 pretty much perfect. 312 00:18:54,121 --> 00:18:57,161 It's really civilised and quiet, and normal and brilliant, 313 00:18:57,281 --> 00:19:00,041 and then you can drive it like a complete hooligan. 314 00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:11,001 In almost every other performance car you drive these days, 315 00:19:11,081 --> 00:19:12,921 the noise you hear is the exhaust. 316 00:19:13,041 --> 00:19:14,241 - Yeah. - Listen to this. 317 00:19:14,481 --> 00:19:15,961 (ROARING) 318 00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:19,481 JEREMY: That noise is coming from the front, that's induction noise. 319 00:19:19,561 --> 00:19:22,681 Yeah, it is. The noise of an engine working, which is quite nice. 320 00:19:25,721 --> 00:19:27,561 JEREMY: Why don't I have one of these cars? 321 00:19:27,721 --> 00:19:29,361 - I mean, in the past you couldn't... - No, no, no, no, no. 322 00:19:29,481 --> 00:19:31,041 ...because they were COT cars. 323 00:19:31,121 --> 00:19:33,441 - Top of the COT, actually. - They were. They were top of the COT. 324 00:19:34,961 --> 00:19:36,201 Every time you saw an M3 325 00:19:36,281 --> 00:19:38,881 you saw somebody you would never have round for dinner driving it. 326 00:19:39,121 --> 00:19:42,521 But they've all now sort of migrated, I think to Audis. 327 00:19:46,481 --> 00:19:49,001 You can bring anything you like to the party, 328 00:19:49,081 --> 00:19:52,041 this will eat it, burp, and be on its way. 329 00:19:56,721 --> 00:19:59,681 JEREMY: BMW are making many great cars at the moment. 330 00:20:00,321 --> 00:20:03,641 All of which make the X3 look like a village idiot 331 00:20:04,041 --> 00:20:05,881 in a family of geniuses. 332 00:20:07,441 --> 00:20:09,081 (BAND PLAYING) 333 00:20:10,401 --> 00:20:13,161 Then we get to the question of America. 334 00:20:13,601 --> 00:20:15,801 This is a country that has been to the Moon. 335 00:20:15,921 --> 00:20:18,161 It gave the world the IP00'. 336 00:20:18,401 --> 00:20:19,841 It broke the sound barrier, 337 00:20:19,921 --> 00:20:24,161 and runs a fleet of nuclear-powered 33 -knot airports. 338 00:20:25,241 --> 00:20:29,081 This is a country that can post a cruise missile through your letterbox 339 00:20:29,241 --> 00:20:31,161 from 6, 000 miles away. 340 00:20:31,841 --> 00:20:36,401 So you would expect it to be the home of the greatest cars on the planet. 341 00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:37,921 It isn'z§ though. 342 00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:41,241 There's the AMC Pacer, 343 00:20:41,801 --> 00:20:43,281 the Chevrolet Corvair, 344 00:20:43,521 --> 00:20:44,921 the Chevy Vega, 345 00:20:45,321 --> 00:20:47,081 the Cadillac Cimarron, 346 00:20:47,241 --> 00:20:48,721 The Pontiac Aztek. 347 00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,201 the Ford Pinto. Anafl of course, 348 00:20:51,441 --> 00:20:52,881 the T hunderb/rd. 349 00:20:58,361 --> 00:21:00,081 And then, we have these two. 350 00:21:00,361 --> 00:21:02,881 On your left, the Lincoln Continental Mark IV, 351 00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:05,681 and on your right, the Buick LeSabre Custom. 352 00:21:07,521 --> 00:21:10,921 Both were designed to give the discerning American customer 353 00:21:11,321 --> 00:21:16,081 an unrivalled blend of craftsmanship, power and luxury. 354 00:21:20,441 --> 00:21:23,321 JAMES: And here we have a modern European equivalent. 355 00:21:23,561 --> 00:21:25,361 The BMW M5. 356 00:21:28,441 --> 00:21:29,921 It is, of course, a lot more expensive. 357 00:21:30,001 --> 00:21:32,801 This one is around £85,000. 358 00:21:33,081 --> 00:21:35,481 But, there's a very good reason for that, 359 00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:37,561 as we shall now demonstrate. 360 00:21:37,801 --> 00:21:40,721 - Well, not us. - No, obviously not us. 361 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,921 No, we've entrusted the job to someone very special. 362 00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,441 We dragged him all the way up here 363 00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:48,161 to the carpark of Darlington football club. 364 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,201 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... 365 00:21:50,321 --> 00:21:53,801 (CLEARS THROAT) The Stig's Yorkshire cousin! 366 00:21:54,361 --> 00:21:56,281 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 367 00:22:09,441 --> 00:22:13,081 The Stig is going to demonstrate the superiority of the BMW in... 368 00:22:13,521 --> 00:22:15,041 A auto test. 369 00:22:15,521 --> 00:22:17,121 (ENGINE REVVING) 370 00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:22,201 JEREMY: So, here goes z"Sz'ig on one timed lap. 371 00:22:22,561 --> 00:22:23,961 One, go. 372 00:22:25,961 --> 00:22:29,721 JEREMY: He's spinning away all of the Beemer's 560 horsepower 373 00:22:29,801 --> 00:22:33,161 burning into the Darlington Football Club carpark there. 374 00:22:34,241 --> 00:22:36,761 First obstacle, okay, it's the doughnut box. 375 00:22:37,001 --> 00:22:41,561 T'Stig making use of the BMW's brilliant 50-50 weight distribution, 376 00:22:41,921 --> 00:22:45,281 and now two almost perfect doughnuts. 377 00:22:45,601 --> 00:22:47,281 He's slowed down! 378 00:22:47,481 --> 00:22:49,041 How's he doing that? 379 00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:52,161 He sped up again, and he's out! 380 00:22:52,481 --> 00:22:55,681 T'Stig now exiting the box heading back down the car park 381 00:22:55,761 --> 00:22:57,521 to the double left-right chicanes. 382 00:22:58,561 --> 00:22:59,921 How's he doing there? 383 00:23:00,001 --> 00:23:01,961 He's turning the wheel one way then the other, 384 00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:04,081 and now he's going round a corner very fast. 385 00:23:04,161 --> 00:23:05,841 Smoke coming off the back of the tyres 386 00:23:05,921 --> 00:23:07,721 and he goes round some tyres. 387 00:23:07,881 --> 00:23:10,761 And soon, he'll be driving into an imaginary garage 388 00:23:10,841 --> 00:23:12,321 made out of green cones. 389 00:23:12,561 --> 00:23:13,681 You just watch this. 390 00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:15,041 There it is! 391 00:23:15,361 --> 00:23:17,401 Right, he stops by pressing the brake pedal. 392 00:23:17,481 --> 00:23:19,921 Now he puts it in reverse ready for the j-turn. 393 00:23:20,401 --> 00:23:22,201 Reverse as fast as you can, flick the wheel, 394 00:23:22,281 --> 00:23:24,121 jam on the brake, front will slide round. 395 00:23:24,441 --> 00:23:26,721 The two-ton Beemer, there it goes! 396 00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:28,361 And here he is now with... 397 00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:29,641 He's slowed down again! 398 00:23:29,721 --> 00:23:31,881 No, wait! He's... Now he's back to full speed. 399 00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:33,121 And that's a good thing. 400 00:23:33,241 --> 00:23:35,961 All he's gotta do now is get to the finish line. 401 00:23:36,521 --> 00:23:38,761 And stop! Now! 402 00:23:39,201 --> 00:23:41,521 One minute, 18.29. 403 00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:46,001 And now, we have to try and beat that in our American cars, 404 00:23:46,081 --> 00:23:47,401 and bagsyl have the Lincoln. 405 00:23:47,601 --> 00:23:50,041 Okay, I'm very happy with the Buick LeSabre Custom. 406 00:23:50,481 --> 00:23:51,881 How big's your engine? 407 00:23:51,961 --> 00:23:53,361 5.7 litres. 408 00:23:53,441 --> 00:23:55,401 Seven litre, V8 motor. 409 00:23:55,801 --> 00:23:57,521 160 horsepower in the Buick. 410 00:23:57,921 --> 00:23:59,281 It's 200 horsepower, okay? 411 00:23:59,361 --> 00:24:02,521 How do they get so few horsepower from a V8 motor? 412 00:24:03,521 --> 00:24:04,841 I don't know. 413 00:24:04,921 --> 00:24:06,321 But it isn't about power anyway, this. 414 00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,841 This is about agility, precision. 415 00:24:10,361 --> 00:24:11,761 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 416 00:24:12,041 --> 00:24:14,441 JAMES: Fortunately for us, the rain had come, 417 00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:17,001 meaning our slides would be easier. 418 00:24:17,241 --> 00:24:19,441 Three, two, one... 419 00:24:21,201 --> 00:24:22,681 JAMES: And we're off. 420 00:24:24,961 --> 00:24:26,361 JEREMY: Right, here he is. 421 00:24:26,601 --> 00:24:28,881 Into the box for the doughnuts. 422 00:24:29,441 --> 00:24:31,321 - Squeeze the brakes. -(TYRES SCREECHING) 423 00:24:31,521 --> 00:24:32,721 Ooh, he's locked up. 424 00:24:40,121 --> 00:24:42,961 That's not a doughnut as such. 425 00:24:44,521 --> 00:24:47,241 JAMES: And we're out and we're ready for the slalom. 426 00:24:47,321 --> 00:24:49,001 We'll get lots of power now. 427 00:24:50,481 --> 00:24:52,801 JEREMY: James has a Rolls-Royce Corniche 428 00:24:52,881 --> 00:24:55,561 so he's used to the wallow and the roll. 429 00:24:56,241 --> 00:24:57,321 Figure of eight. 430 00:24:58,121 --> 00:25:01,881 Look at the angle that wheel achieves when he's going round the corner. 431 00:25:01,961 --> 00:25:03,761 That's beyond belief. 432 00:25:05,161 --> 00:25:06,201 Beautiful. 433 00:25:06,361 --> 00:25:07,721 JEREMY: So, j-turn. 434 00:25:09,361 --> 00:25:13,161 Right, hold the thing, foot ready, reverse... 435 00:25:19,641 --> 00:25:20,921 That'll do. 436 00:25:21,201 --> 00:25:23,361 This is really a shambolic display, 437 00:25:24,441 --> 00:25:26,441 demonstrating that the car must be terrible 438 00:25:26,521 --> 00:25:28,321 'cause James is very good at this. 439 00:25:28,681 --> 00:25:30,361 JAMES: A little bit of under-steer 440 00:25:30,561 --> 00:25:32,121 as he heads for home, 441 00:25:32,361 --> 00:25:35,361 to stop precisely in the box. 442 00:25:38,921 --> 00:25:43,161 AUTOMATED VOICE: Three minutes, 34.85 seconds. 443 00:25:45,881 --> 00:25:48,841 JEREMY: With james having doubled T 'S z'ig's lap time, 444 00:25:48,921 --> 00:25:51,841 I was feeling confident in the USS Lincoln. 445 00:25:54,681 --> 00:25:56,161 Massive wheel-spin. 446 00:25:56,481 --> 00:25:58,161 Oh, look at that. 447 00:26:00,081 --> 00:26:03,681 One of the big problems I have is that I'm sitting 448 00:26:04,481 --> 00:26:07,521 over 10 feet from the front of the car. 449 00:26:07,921 --> 00:26:11,681 The bonnet itself is six feet, six inches long. 450 00:26:11,761 --> 00:26:12,801 Power! 451 00:26:13,201 --> 00:26:14,241 No! 452 00:26:15,521 --> 00:26:16,561 JAMES: Stalled. 453 00:26:17,281 --> 00:26:20,281 In Europe, cars are built to the nearest millimetre. 454 00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:21,881 In America, it's to the nearest foot. 455 00:26:22,361 --> 00:26:24,361 - Come on, you wazzock. - Power! 456 00:26:27,001 --> 00:26:28,041 JAMES: And he's out. 457 00:26:28,121 --> 00:26:29,961 He's out and he's heading for the slalom. 458 00:26:30,041 --> 00:26:31,401 I'd stand back. 459 00:26:31,601 --> 00:26:33,201 Now, lean in. 460 00:26:33,361 --> 00:26:34,481 Whoa! 461 00:26:34,761 --> 00:26:36,561 Lovely to watch. Look at the way it just... 462 00:26:36,641 --> 00:26:38,561 It's like a mountain goat the way it... 463 00:26:38,641 --> 00:26:40,561 Oh, and he's lost a hubcap. 464 00:26:40,641 --> 00:26:42,001 (TYRES SCREECHING) 465 00:26:42,361 --> 00:26:43,401 Th ree-speed gea rbox. 466 00:26:43,481 --> 00:26:45,961 The Americans, of course, terribly confused by the concept 467 00:26:46,041 --> 00:26:47,641 of four or five. 468 00:26:48,241 --> 00:26:50,921 Six is something they don't understand at all. 469 00:26:54,241 --> 00:26:55,361 Oh, my God. 470 00:26:55,921 --> 00:26:57,761 Ah! I'm out of the road. 471 00:27:00,161 --> 00:27:01,641 JAMES: Utter rubbish. 472 00:27:02,161 --> 00:27:05,081 I think when they were designing this car, 473 00:27:05,161 --> 00:27:09,481 no one in any meeting ever used the word "precision". 474 00:27:09,801 --> 00:27:11,201 Into the box for the j-turn. 475 00:27:11,281 --> 00:27:12,481 J-turn. 476 00:27:13,201 --> 00:27:15,281 And brake flick. 477 00:27:21,961 --> 00:27:24,961 Just a magnificent display of agility, poise. 478 00:27:26,121 --> 00:27:27,641 And now it's the home straight. 479 00:27:27,721 --> 00:27:31,161 The sun is coming out to celebrate a fine victory. 480 00:27:33,081 --> 00:27:34,201 And... 481 00:27:34,281 --> 00:27:35,321 Stop. 482 00:27:38,801 --> 00:27:43,561 AUTOMATED VOICE: In four minutes, 7.97 seconds. 483 00:27:48,721 --> 00:27:50,641 Now, the thing is, okay, this was the slowest 484 00:27:50,721 --> 00:27:53,401 and therefore the worst, the Lincoln Continental Mark IV. 485 00:27:53,481 --> 00:27:57,001 So is this, do you think, worthy of the special treatment 486 00:27:57,081 --> 00:27:59,201 that we have lined up at the end of the programme? 487 00:27:59,281 --> 00:28:01,681 No. No, no, no. Think about it. 488 00:28:02,361 --> 00:28:04,041 It's not really appropriate, is it? 489 00:28:04,681 --> 00:28:05,721 Why? 490 00:28:05,841 --> 00:28:07,121 It's American. 491 00:28:08,481 --> 00:28:09,721 Oh, yes. 492 00:28:10,281 --> 00:28:11,801 Let's move swiftly on to Lancia. 493 00:28:14,601 --> 00:28:16,121 As we have said in the paszj 494 00:28:16,201 --> 00:28:19,561 Lancia has made more truly great cars over the years 495 00:28:19,641 --> 00:28:21,281 than anyone else. 496 00:28:21,601 --> 00:28:23,361 The Delta lntegrale. 497 00:28:25,041 --> 00:28:26,401 The Gamma. 498 00:28:28,201 --> 00:28:29,601 The Stratos. 499 00:28:30,721 --> 00:28:32,561 The 037. 500 00:28:33,761 --> 00:28:35,481 E tcetera, etcetera. 501 00:28:35,561 --> 00:28:37,681 So, what are they up to now? 502 00:28:47,801 --> 00:28:51,121 This is where Lancia's greatness has led it. 503 00:28:51,361 --> 00:28:55,841 It's a city car based on the Fiat 500, but not quite as good. 504 00:28:56,281 --> 00:28:58,881 So you have to ask, "What is the point?" 505 00:29:00,561 --> 00:29:04,241 It's called the Ypsilon, after a letter in the Greek alphabet 506 00:29:04,481 --> 00:29:06,481 to make it sound intellectual. 507 00:29:06,561 --> 00:29:08,921 But unfortunately, they spoilt the effect 508 00:29:09,001 --> 00:29:12,081 by giving it the facial expression of a moron. 509 00:29:14,481 --> 00:29:17,281 The only good thing about this, I suppose, is that you can say, 510 00:29:17,521 --> 00:29:20,081 "I have a Lancia", unless you're in Britain, 511 00:29:20,161 --> 00:29:22,921 because over here, for reasons we don't really understand, 512 00:29:23,001 --> 00:29:25,641 this is badged and sold as a Chrysler. 513 00:29:27,361 --> 00:29:29,721 That's a bit like Mont Blanc making a fabulous new pen 514 00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:31,721 and then calling it "The BiC". 515 00:29:32,721 --> 00:29:35,601 JEREMY: Ana' so, from Lancia to Alfa Romeo, 516 00:29:35,841 --> 00:29:39,001 another car company whose history is peppered with gold. 517 00:29:40,961 --> 00:29:43,841 In the 7950 Formula 7 championship, 518 00:29:44,121 --> 00:29:47,081 Alfa won all but one of the races. 519 00:29:48,881 --> 00:29:51,481 Ana' on the roaafl they were the kings. 520 00:29:51,961 --> 00:29:55,921 The Spider was the very embodiment of European chic. 521 00:29:57,761 --> 00:30:01,321 Ana' then, there was the Alfa Suafl one of the best handling 522 00:30:01,401 --> 00:30:03,841 front-wheel drive cars of all time. 523 00:30:06,481 --> 00:30:09,561 Which brings us on to the G T V6, 524 00:30:09,881 --> 00:30:13,201 styled by Giugiaro when he wash '2' off his face on absinthe, 525 00:30:13,401 --> 00:30:15,801 it was a glorious looking thing. 526 00:30:16,161 --> 00:30:20,481 Ana' it was propelled by an engine of unparalleled creaminess 527 00:30:20,801 --> 00:30:22,041 and zest. 528 00:30:24,001 --> 00:30:28,121 I lo ve this engine so much that I actually bought a GT V6 529 00:30:28,441 --> 00:30:32,721 and that's why I'm qualified to tell you that it's a genuine contender 530 00:30:33,161 --> 00:30:35,441 for the worst car in the world. 531 00:30:36,761 --> 00:30:39,161 First of all, it was a hatch back. 532 00:30:39,321 --> 00:30:41,241 But you couldn't fold the rear seats down 533 00:30:41,321 --> 00:30:45,841 because they put the petrol tank in the way. 534 00:30:47,121 --> 00:30:49,441 And sadly, I can't show you that 535 00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,721 because the boot release button has broken. 536 00:30:51,801 --> 00:30:54,081 This, however, in the big scheme of things, 537 00:30:54,161 --> 00:30:55,521 is nothing. 538 00:30:55,721 --> 00:30:58,521 When I had a GTV6, I remember driving along one day, 539 00:30:58,601 --> 00:30:59,801 50 miles an hour. 540 00:30:59,881 --> 00:31:02,481 And the rod connecting the gear lever at the front 541 00:31:02,561 --> 00:31:04,361 with the gearbox which was at the back, 542 00:31:04,441 --> 00:31:07,121 fell off and landed on the prop shaft. 543 00:31:07,401 --> 00:31:08,801 Now, this made a noise, 544 00:31:08,881 --> 00:31:12,201 similar I guess, to the sound made by the Red Sea 545 00:31:12,281 --> 00:31:13,401 when it was parted. 546 00:31:13,481 --> 00:31:17,121 It also locked up the rear wheels, causing a massive spin. 547 00:31:17,601 --> 00:31:18,681 Um, other things, 548 00:31:18,761 --> 00:31:21,561 you always had to put a broom handle 549 00:31:21,641 --> 00:31:24,081 between the clutch pedal and the driver's seat 550 00:31:24,161 --> 00:31:27,041 to stop the clutch plates welding together. 551 00:31:27,361 --> 00:31:30,881 The driving position was suitable only for an ape. 552 00:31:31,281 --> 00:31:32,521 Oh, and the sunroof leaked. 553 00:31:33,801 --> 00:31:36,401 In many ways then, it was like having 554 00:31:36,921 --> 00:31:40,201 a moody, bad-tempered, drunken girlfriend. 555 00:31:40,361 --> 00:31:42,321 But, you would persevere 556 00:31:43,081 --> 00:31:47,001 because she has the face of an angel, the body of a supermodel, 557 00:31:47,241 --> 00:31:49,321 and once in a while, she'd let you get around... 558 00:31:51,041 --> 00:31:52,361 Yes, thank you. 559 00:31:52,801 --> 00:31:55,761 Uh, I agree. The GTV is not without its faults. 560 00:31:55,841 --> 00:31:57,841 But let's be honest, it's highly unlikely 561 00:31:57,921 --> 00:32:00,721 that the worst car in the world is going to be Italian, 562 00:32:01,001 --> 00:32:05,081 because even when they're not very good, they're still somehow rather nice. 563 00:32:05,681 --> 00:32:07,721 That brings us neatly onto the French. 564 00:32:07,801 --> 00:32:09,161 (FLY BUZZING) 565 00:32:12,201 --> 00:32:16,601 This is a Citroen Pluriel, which is u n convertible. 566 00:32:17,041 --> 00:32:18,761 Ana' to explain what's wrong with izj 567 00:32:19,761 --> 00:32:23,561 we need to start by looking at a Mazda MX-5. 568 00:32:25,001 --> 00:32:29,681 If you want to lower the roof on this or indeed, any other convertible, 569 00:32:30,041 --> 00:32:32,801 you simply push a button and in a matter of seconds 570 00:32:32,881 --> 00:32:36,681 a series of electric motors does the job on your behalf. 571 00:32:37,241 --> 00:32:38,281 Done. 572 00:32:39,801 --> 00:32:43,481 Citroen, however, decided that there was a better way. 573 00:32:50,841 --> 00:32:53,801 I do know that somehow this whole panel 574 00:32:54,121 --> 00:32:55,841 and this comes off. 575 00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:04,721 Cw! 576 00:33:06,281 --> 00:33:08,681 It just doesn't make any sense at all. 577 00:33:12,521 --> 00:33:14,001 Here we go. 578 00:33:14,361 --> 00:33:19,001 "The rear part of the movable floor should be retracted." 579 00:33:19,081 --> 00:33:20,361 How do you... 580 00:33:22,601 --> 00:33:25,161 Why is it this complicated? 581 00:33:25,241 --> 00:33:27,361 The rear tailgate should be open. 582 00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:29,401 I know! 583 00:33:32,441 --> 00:33:35,921 After literally 70 minutes, I had to summon assistance 584 00:33:36,001 --> 00:33:37,881 from a man in an anorak. 585 00:33:38,241 --> 00:33:39,801 I see, right there. 586 00:33:40,721 --> 00:33:43,121 Lift this... Ah! ...a few centimetres 587 00:33:43,721 --> 00:33:46,361 "till it clicks in place, pivot the cassette..." 588 00:33:51,641 --> 00:33:54,961 First get a degree in Mechanical Engineering. 589 00:33:55,321 --> 00:33:56,641 (GRUNT5) 590 00:34:00,441 --> 00:34:01,921 Jesus wept. 591 00:34:05,641 --> 00:34:07,681 So there we are in just (BREATHING HEAVILY) 592 00:34:07,881 --> 00:34:09,601 22 minutes, 593 00:34:10,201 --> 00:34:12,521 the Citroen has been converted 594 00:34:13,201 --> 00:34:14,601 into a 595 00:34:15,081 --> 00:34:16,881 fresh air machine. 596 00:34:17,441 --> 00:34:19,881 And I think the weather looks good for a while. 597 00:34:20,401 --> 00:34:23,201 There is another problem with this system. 598 00:34:23,801 --> 00:34:26,281 The bits you've removed won '2' fit in the car, 599 00:34:26,361 --> 00:34:29,321 which means you have to go out without them. 600 00:34:39,001 --> 00:34:42,601 Now, that of course is fine if you live in the Atacama Desert 601 00:34:42,721 --> 00:34:43,921 where it never rains. 602 00:34:44,001 --> 00:34:45,761 But, here in Whitby, 603 00:34:46,561 --> 00:34:47,801 it does. 604 00:34:50,401 --> 00:34:53,121 The only solution that I can think of 605 00:34:53,241 --> 00:34:57,281 is to be followed everywhere you go by a man in a van, 606 00:34:57,361 --> 00:34:59,081 with your roof in the back. 607 00:35:02,321 --> 00:35:05,281 This, of course, is a very expensive solution. 608 00:35:05,361 --> 00:35:08,801 Even the blithering idiot that I've employed is costing me 609 00:35:09,161 --> 00:35:11,881 £4,500 a year. 610 00:35:18,561 --> 00:35:20,841 Ana' he will also need a clothing allowance 611 00:35:20,921 --> 00:35:22,921 because when it does start to rain, 612 00:35:23,041 --> 00:35:25,361 his favourite 2'-sh/rt will be ruined 613 00:35:25,441 --> 00:35:28,481 before he's had a chance to reassemble the car. 614 00:35:30,201 --> 00:35:32,641 While he's doing this, I shall talk you through 615 00:35:32,721 --> 00:35:37,001 some of the other problems with this hateful little car. 616 00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:39,561 It takes 25 seconds to change gear. 617 00:35:39,881 --> 00:35:41,961 It is the flobberiest convertible I've driven 618 00:35:42,041 --> 00:35:43,881 since the Saab 900. 619 00:35:43,961 --> 00:35:47,561 And nothing on God's green earth says, "I'm a clot", 620 00:35:47,721 --> 00:35:49,961 better than a Citroen Pluriel. 621 00:35:51,721 --> 00:35:54,041 Come on, I'm paying you £90 a week. 622 00:35:54,121 --> 00:35:56,561 Hurry up. I'm getting soggy trousers here. 623 00:35:56,961 --> 00:35:58,361 It's very badly designed, sir. 624 00:35:59,641 --> 00:36:01,281 JAM ES: But for sheer idiocy, 625 00:36:01,401 --> 00:36:03,681 the roof on this Citroen is nothing... 626 00:36:05,721 --> 00:36:08,961 ...compared with Saab's Sensonic gearbox. 627 00:36:10,641 --> 00:36:11,681 Here's how it works. 628 00:36:11,921 --> 00:36:15,481 There is a gear stick like you find in any normal, manual car. 629 00:36:15,561 --> 00:36:18,521 But, there's no clutch pedal because the clutch 630 00:36:18,601 --> 00:36:22,321 is operated automatically by the car's brain. 631 00:36:22,641 --> 00:36:25,281 Now, the idea is it's the best of both worlds. 632 00:36:25,361 --> 00:36:29,121 You get the control and precision of a manual gear change, 633 00:36:29,201 --> 00:36:32,601 but the easy life convenience of an automatic. 634 00:36:32,721 --> 00:36:34,841 And if you're just, sort of, driving about 635 00:36:34,921 --> 00:36:37,801 as I am here, then it works perfectly well. 636 00:36:38,001 --> 00:36:42,681 However, it can be a bit problematic under certain circumstances. 637 00:36:47,481 --> 00:36:49,001 Ah-ha! A space. 638 00:36:49,081 --> 00:36:51,361 And it is the one thing 639 00:36:51,441 --> 00:36:54,961 that the driver of the Sensonic Saab 900 fears the most. 640 00:36:55,081 --> 00:36:58,921 It's the reverse, uphill parallel parking manoeuvre. 641 00:36:59,201 --> 00:37:01,041 And this is going to be a bit tricky. 642 00:37:01,521 --> 00:37:04,681 Just to increase my chances, I'll lower the roof. 643 00:37:06,001 --> 00:37:08,121 I'm just watching James May park a car. 644 00:37:08,201 --> 00:37:09,841 I suggest you all do the same. 645 00:37:10,201 --> 00:37:11,361 It's always entertaining. 646 00:37:11,441 --> 00:37:12,841 BOY: Oh, the roof's coming off. 647 00:37:12,921 --> 00:37:13,961 JAMES: Now, here is the issue. 648 00:37:14,041 --> 00:37:16,401 If this was a normal manual car, 649 00:37:16,561 --> 00:37:19,281 I'd be able to reverse, feeding the clutch very gently 650 00:37:19,361 --> 00:37:21,801 and very subtly, to go backwards into the space. 651 00:37:21,961 --> 00:37:24,361 If it was an automatic, I'd put it in reverse 652 00:37:24,441 --> 00:37:27,401 and the torque converter would, of course, make the car creep backwards. 653 00:37:27,481 --> 00:37:30,041 In this, when I take my foot off the brake, 654 00:37:30,761 --> 00:37:32,001 it will simply roll away. 655 00:37:32,081 --> 00:37:33,601 So, in reverse, 656 00:37:33,841 --> 00:37:35,361 no clutch, remember? 657 00:37:35,561 --> 00:37:36,921 Try and use the handbrake. 658 00:37:37,001 --> 00:37:38,041 There we are going backwards, 659 00:37:38,121 --> 00:37:39,441 but the instant you lift your foot a bit, 660 00:37:39,521 --> 00:37:41,881 the clutch disengages and does that, you see? 661 00:37:42,081 --> 00:37:44,521 You can't hold it like you can with the normal clutch. 662 00:37:44,601 --> 00:37:46,001 It isn't that sophisticated. 663 00:37:46,361 --> 00:37:48,601 Right, now let's try the parking manoeuvre. 664 00:37:48,761 --> 00:37:52,441 Of course, nobody is watching this, which makes it a lot easier. 665 00:37:52,841 --> 00:37:54,761 - Are we struggling? - No. 666 00:37:55,041 --> 00:37:58,001 I'm explaining to everybody the problem is that you can't park. 667 00:37:58,121 --> 00:38:00,321 No, the problem... Oh, I'll explain it to you later. 668 00:38:00,601 --> 00:38:02,001 So, brake... 669 00:38:04,161 --> 00:38:06,161 Are we going backwards? I've got it, feather it a bit. 670 00:38:06,241 --> 00:38:08,601 No, it's gonna go forwards, no, it's gonna go backwards. 671 00:38:08,681 --> 00:38:10,041 No, it's gonna go backwards. 672 00:38:10,441 --> 00:38:12,601 This is quite good. It's gonna go backwards. 673 00:38:13,041 --> 00:38:15,321 And it's gonna go backwards. No, it's rolling forward. 674 00:38:15,401 --> 00:38:16,641 It's so difficult to do! 675 00:38:16,721 --> 00:38:18,521 (CROWD EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) 676 00:38:18,601 --> 00:38:20,041 Wait for it. 677 00:38:22,041 --> 00:38:23,921 So, try and give it a bit more revvage. 678 00:38:24,801 --> 00:38:26,321 Then it... (CROWD EXCLAIMS) 679 00:38:28,081 --> 00:38:31,001 That is exactly the problem with the Sensonic Saab. 680 00:38:31,081 --> 00:38:33,281 You cannot get it into a parking space, can you? 681 00:38:35,441 --> 00:38:37,121 And then when you let your foot off the brake, 682 00:38:37,441 --> 00:38:39,561 because it doesn't have a creep function, it does that. 683 00:38:39,641 --> 00:38:40,761 Is that parked? 684 00:38:40,881 --> 00:38:42,121 CROWD: Yeah! 685 00:38:42,681 --> 00:38:43,721 It's impossible. 686 00:38:47,641 --> 00:38:51,121 JEREMY: It's true. Saab's Sensonic gearbox was dreadful. 687 00:38:52,001 --> 00:38:54,721 But I've just thought of something worse. 688 00:39:00,561 --> 00:39:05,001 I will admit that today's Porsche 977 is really not bad at all. 689 00:39:06,601 --> 00:39:08,521 But things used to be different. 690 00:39:10,641 --> 00:39:14,561 This is a 7997977 Carrera RS. 691 00:39:14,641 --> 00:39:16,321 And it was terrible 692 00:39:17,161 --> 00:39:20,721 All cars can kill you, but this one actively wanted to. 693 00:39:22,001 --> 00:39:25,081 It had a full arsenal of handling characteristics, 694 00:39:25,201 --> 00:39:28,481 and though james disagrees, all of them were fatal. 695 00:39:31,521 --> 00:39:34,481 Come on, James, you have to admit, 911's are a bit tragic. 696 00:39:34,561 --> 00:39:36,121 No, they're not tragic, Jeremy. 697 00:39:36,201 --> 00:39:37,881 They are proper sports cars 698 00:39:37,961 --> 00:39:40,601 for discerning enthusiasts who know what they're talking about. 699 00:39:40,681 --> 00:39:42,121 That's what they're supposed to be. 700 00:39:42,201 --> 00:39:43,401 But they're just codpieces 701 00:39:43,481 --> 00:39:45,441 for gentlemen whose sausages have started to wilt. 702 00:39:45,521 --> 00:39:48,401 Don't be... Look, we did agree that we wouldn't let this degenerate 703 00:39:48,481 --> 00:39:50,281 into a pointless slanging match. Come on. 704 00:39:50,361 --> 00:39:54,161 You can't expect me to stand here like a bush 705 00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:57,001 while you explain this is a good car. 706 00:39:57,081 --> 00:39:58,881 JAMES: Well, it's not the best 911, all right. 707 00:39:58,961 --> 00:40:00,521 But it isn't that bad. 708 00:40:00,601 --> 00:40:05,321 It's supposed to hark back to "the iconic" 2.7 litre RS 709 00:40:05,641 --> 00:40:07,281 from '73 and it doesn't. 710 00:40:07,361 --> 00:40:08,641 What do you mean, "iconic"? 711 00:40:08,721 --> 00:40:10,281 Well, that's what Porsche people do. 712 00:40:10,481 --> 00:40:13,641 JAMES: I decided at this point that the best way to get back at jerem y 713 00:40:13,721 --> 00:40:15,761 would be to sink to his level. 714 00:40:19,041 --> 00:40:22,441 T 0 do that I'd have to start with this. 715 00:40:31,361 --> 00:40:33,801 This is a Ford Capri. 716 00:40:34,361 --> 00:40:37,361 Now, most people hanker after the German engine, 717 00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:40,441 2.8 injection, but not me, no, no, no. 718 00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:44,321 You want the early one, the Essex engine, three-litre. 719 00:40:47,201 --> 00:40:50,921 The Capri was to Europe, what the Mustang was to America. 720 00:40:51,001 --> 00:40:54,681 It meant that people who had only hoped for a dreary saloon, 721 00:40:54,841 --> 00:40:57,281 could now own an exotic two-door. 722 00:40:57,441 --> 00:40:59,401 And for the same sort of money. 723 00:40:59,681 --> 00:41:00,721 Properjob. 724 00:41:10,321 --> 00:41:14,601 Suddenly, your saloon driver got a proper array of instruments, 725 00:41:14,801 --> 00:41:18,561 hip-hugging seats and a bonnet that stretched to the horizon. 726 00:41:19,721 --> 00:41:20,961 And this engine, 727 00:41:21,321 --> 00:41:24,361 it has the honest, no-nonsense muscularity 728 00:41:24,441 --> 00:41:27,921 of a man who's spent 40 years working in a foundry. 729 00:41:29,201 --> 00:41:31,521 You ask the owner of this to lend you a stepladder, 730 00:41:31,601 --> 00:41:33,001 and he will. 731 00:41:33,721 --> 00:41:35,081 No problem. 732 00:41:35,761 --> 00:41:36,801 Mate. 733 00:41:40,681 --> 00:41:42,841 The three-litre Capri is one of those cars 734 00:41:42,921 --> 00:41:44,681 that defined my youth. 735 00:41:44,761 --> 00:41:47,681 Yes, we all had posters of Italian exotics, 736 00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:51,001 but the Capri} we knem was within reach. 737 00:41:51,281 --> 00:41:52,921 It gave us hope. 738 00:41:55,961 --> 00:41:59,041 Sadly, 20 years on, all the hope had gone 739 00:41:59,121 --> 00:42:00,881 and they built this. 740 00:42:01,521 --> 00:42:03,281 The Escort Cosworth. 741 00:42:03,681 --> 00:42:07,121 A car /erem y loved so much that he bought two of them- 742 00:42:08,321 --> 00:42:11,201 That's why I've arranged for him to be otherwise occupied 743 00:42:11,281 --> 00:42:13,321 so I can tell you that it's rubbish. 744 00:42:18,081 --> 00:42:20,201 James, what is this? 745 00:42:22,081 --> 00:42:25,361 First off, it wasn't really an Escort, it was a Sierra 746 00:42:25,561 --> 00:42:27,201 with a fake Escort body on it. 747 00:42:27,281 --> 00:42:28,561 But never mind that. 748 00:42:28,721 --> 00:42:32,681 The real problem is that it was as rough as old boot. 749 00:42:34,241 --> 00:42:37,441 The early cars were fitted with an oversized turbo-charger 750 00:42:37,521 --> 00:42:39,041 which made the power delivery 751 00:42:39,201 --> 00:42:43,641 as crass and unsubtle as the owner's chat-up lines. 752 00:42:47,041 --> 00:42:50,441 So, Ford had a bit of a rethink and fitted a smaller turbo-charger 753 00:42:50,521 --> 00:42:51,841 which was a great idea. 754 00:42:51,921 --> 00:42:56,161 But, that took the power down from 227 horsepower 755 00:42:56,481 --> 00:42:58,161 to 217. 756 00:42:58,281 --> 00:43:00,321 Now that, of course, meant it was slower. 757 00:43:00,401 --> 00:43:02,921 And that defeated the point because the sort of person 758 00:43:03,001 --> 00:43:05,201 who owned an Escort Cossie 759 00:43:05,441 --> 00:43:09,041 could only really talk about how fast the Escort Cossie was. 760 00:43:11,001 --> 00:43:12,041 It's just crass. 761 00:43:12,121 --> 00:43:15,401 If you drove this past the famous Top Gear cock-o-meter 762 00:43:15,561 --> 00:43:19,001 the needle would just fly right off the end of the scale. 763 00:43:20,601 --> 00:43:21,761 James! 764 00:43:23,321 --> 00:43:25,761 What I bet he's failing to tell you in there, 765 00:43:25,841 --> 00:43:30,321 is that car was styled by the same man who did the Aston Martin DB9. 766 00:43:31,041 --> 00:43:34,761 It's impossible to imagine that Ford could do any worse than this. 767 00:43:34,841 --> 00:43:37,041 But, in 2005, 768 00:43:37,161 --> 00:43:38,241 they did. 769 00:43:40,881 --> 00:43:42,201 (REVVING) 770 00:43:44,241 --> 00:43:45,321 (MU FFLED SCREAMING) 771 00:43:45,801 --> 00:43:47,201 The Ford GT. 772 00:43:54,201 --> 00:43:58,361 Now, the original car, the GT40, that was a true great, 773 00:43:58,441 --> 00:44:02,801 a real working-class hero that whupped the toffs' asses at Le Mans. 774 00:44:05,521 --> 00:44:08,361 More important than the first Labour Party victory, really. 775 00:44:08,561 --> 00:44:10,921 But this later, "tribute band version", 776 00:44:11,001 --> 00:44:13,001 this is not a great. 777 00:44:13,081 --> 00:44:16,241 This is a chintzy, fatuous trinket 778 00:44:16,681 --> 00:44:18,921 for sad fantasists. 779 00:44:19,521 --> 00:44:20,561 Jeremy had one. 780 00:44:22,721 --> 00:44:26,041 The original GT40 was actually quite a petite car. 781 00:44:26,121 --> 00:44:29,361 But this one, rather like the people who bought it, to be honest, 782 00:44:29,441 --> 00:44:33,561 has become slovenly and a bit broad in the beam. 783 00:44:33,721 --> 00:44:36,881 The result of that is you can't really use it properly 784 00:44:36,961 --> 00:44:39,401 on the sort of road where it ought to be fun like this one 785 00:44:39,481 --> 00:44:40,681 because it's just too wide. 786 00:44:43,481 --> 00:44:46,081 Whenever I see people in one of these, I always think, 787 00:44:46,241 --> 00:44:47,321 "Get over it. 788 00:44:47,441 --> 00:44:50,641 "That's not a GT40. You're not Steve McQueen. 789 00:44:50,721 --> 00:44:51,761 "You're not at Le Mans. 790 00:44:51,841 --> 00:44:53,281 "This isn't the '60s. 791 00:44:53,401 --> 00:44:56,241 "It's over. Let it drop. Please." 792 00:44:57,601 --> 00:45:00,001 A t this pointi /erem y managed to escape 793 00:45:00,201 --> 00:45:02,081 and had something to say. 794 00:45:06,641 --> 00:45:09,081 This is a Rolls-Royce Phantom, 795 00:45:09,561 --> 00:45:12,161 a car which demonstrates to the world 796 00:45:12,361 --> 00:45:16,561 that Rolls knows more than anyone else about the four pillars of luxury. 797 00:45:16,641 --> 00:45:19,721 Space, light, comfort and quietness. 798 00:45:20,241 --> 00:45:23,041 It is a superb piece of engineering. 799 00:45:23,961 --> 00:45:27,161 However, in the past, things used to be a little bit different. 800 00:45:33,801 --> 00:45:37,201 This is a 1972 Rolls-Royce Corniche, 801 00:45:37,521 --> 00:45:42,641 specifically, it's James May's 1972 Rolls-Royce Corniche. 802 00:45:42,961 --> 00:45:46,561 You can tell it's his partly because it's the slowest car I've ever driven, 803 00:45:46,761 --> 00:45:48,561 partly because everything is absolutely 804 00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:50,521 spotless. 805 00:45:50,801 --> 00:45:52,441 Achoo! Sorry, James. 806 00:45:52,881 --> 00:45:55,481 And partly because he's in the boot. 807 00:45:55,561 --> 00:45:56,761 (GRUNTING) 808 00:45:57,361 --> 00:45:58,401 Ci! 809 00:45:58,881 --> 00:46:00,881 - Jeremy! -(METALLIC THUDDING) 810 00:46:01,721 --> 00:46:05,681 The reason he's in the boot is so I can explain without interruption 811 00:46:05,881 --> 00:46:08,921 why this is worthy of the treatment we've lined up 812 00:46:09,001 --> 00:46:11,441 for the worst car in the world. 813 00:46:13,281 --> 00:46:17,281 Rolls-Royces used to be bought by people you'd have round for dinner. 814 00:46:18,281 --> 00:46:22,641 But, by the time this came along, the clever money had been replaced 815 00:46:22,841 --> 00:46:24,921 by a raft of television celebrities, 816 00:46:25,041 --> 00:46:27,001 many of whom were called "jimmy". 817 00:46:27,201 --> 00:46:28,241 Jimmy Tarbuck. 818 00:46:29,561 --> 00:46:32,121 Jimmy Davidson, and of course, more recently, 819 00:46:32,201 --> 00:46:33,281 Jimmy May. 820 00:46:33,521 --> 00:46:34,561 '(THUDS) "Cw! 821 00:46:36,921 --> 00:46:38,881 JEREMY: There were technical problems, too. 822 00:46:39,001 --> 00:46:40,961 Hydraulics controlled the rear suspension, 823 00:46:41,041 --> 00:46:42,761 steering and the brakes. 824 00:46:42,961 --> 00:46:47,561 So, if there was one small problem, the whole car stopped working. 825 00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:51,481 Ana' of course, everything was handmade, so replacement parts 826 00:46:51,681 --> 00:46:53,721 never quite fitted properly. 827 00:46:54,841 --> 00:46:57,441 Mercedes Benz invented the car. 828 00:46:57,601 --> 00:47:00,561 And ever since, has made magnificent cars. 829 00:47:00,681 --> 00:47:04,321 This is a 280SL Pagoda, magnificent. 830 00:47:04,401 --> 00:47:06,801 This is a 450SLC. 831 00:47:06,881 --> 00:47:08,281 It's magnificent. 832 00:47:08,601 --> 00:47:11,041 But not all their cars have been magnificent. 833 00:47:11,521 --> 00:47:12,641 Not at all. 834 00:47:25,961 --> 00:47:27,001 As I speak, 835 00:47:27,081 --> 00:47:32,761 Jeremy is out there in a 6.2-litre AMG C63 black. 836 00:47:38,121 --> 00:47:40,481 Unfortunately, you can't hear what he has to say about it 837 00:47:40,561 --> 00:47:42,681 because I've disconnected his microphone. 838 00:47:42,801 --> 00:47:44,641 (INAUDIBLE) 839 00:47:44,721 --> 00:47:47,441 However, I can give you a pretty good idea. 840 00:47:47,801 --> 00:47:48,881 I would imagine 841 00:47:49,081 --> 00:47:51,681 that he's currently talking about the enormity 842 00:47:51,761 --> 00:47:52,841 of the differential. 843 00:47:54,441 --> 00:47:57,441 But neglecting to tell you that it takes 15 minutes to warm up, 844 00:47:57,521 --> 00:47:58,961 it's so Victorian. So, 845 00:47:59,281 --> 00:48:01,921 until then, you can't turn left or right atjunctions. 846 00:48:13,281 --> 00:48:15,361 I would imagine just then as he was going around and around 847 00:48:15,441 --> 00:48:17,201 in a cloud of smoke, he would have been talking about 848 00:48:17,281 --> 00:48:19,561 how much torque the engine develops. 849 00:48:19,641 --> 00:48:21,081 (INAUDIBLE) 850 00:48:21,161 --> 00:48:23,241 And I can tell you how much it is. It's too much. 851 00:48:23,521 --> 00:48:28,921 That's why, out on this track, a set of tyres last forjust 25 miles. 852 00:48:34,761 --> 00:48:37,721 What a colossal knuckle-draggers' car. 853 00:48:41,561 --> 00:48:45,681 And that isn't the worst AMG Mercedes. 854 00:48:45,921 --> 00:48:47,361 Oh, (CHUCKLES) no. 855 00:48:47,561 --> 00:48:48,561 Come with me. 856 00:48:54,001 --> 00:48:58,401 This is the Mercedes SLS, a stupid car. 857 00:48:59,521 --> 00:49:01,361 (TYRES SCREECHING) 858 00:49:02,681 --> 00:49:06,521 This is the Mercedes SLS, it's a stupid car, 859 00:49:06,601 --> 00:49:11,601 an ostentatious vulgarity for people wracked with self-doubt. 860 00:49:13,521 --> 00:49:17,561 Though it has a 583 horsepower V8, 861 00:49:17,641 --> 00:49:20,001 which of course, is a marvellous thing, nothing wrong with power. 862 00:49:20,081 --> 00:49:21,481 But power is only good... 863 00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:27,801 Power is only good if you can actually use it. 864 00:49:27,881 --> 00:49:31,321 And in this car, the engine is merely a very elaborate way 865 00:49:31,401 --> 00:49:34,121 of ridding the world of pesky tyres. 866 00:49:36,561 --> 00:49:38,161 I hardly touched it. 867 00:49:42,361 --> 00:49:44,921 What sort of a moron would buy a car 868 00:49:45,001 --> 00:49:48,881 as dreadful, as dreary, as a Fiat Panda. 869 00:49:49,041 --> 00:49:53,681 You'd have to be a woolly-headed oaf with a wardrobe full of 870 00:49:54,001 --> 00:49:57,881 stupid stripyjumpers and idiotic floral shirts, 871 00:49:57,961 --> 00:50:01,801 and at night you drone on and on in front of your friends about 872 00:50:01,881 --> 00:50:04,961 gravity and maths and steam locomotives. 873 00:50:05,321 --> 00:50:08,881 And then you'd explain that pencil sharpeners are interesting. 874 00:50:14,881 --> 00:50:16,281 Hang on a minute. 875 00:50:16,521 --> 00:50:20,721 James! There's been a bit of an accident with your car. 876 00:50:22,961 --> 00:50:25,521 JEREMY: At this pointi we decided to call a truce 877 00:50:25,641 --> 00:50:28,441 and stop simply insulting each other's cars. 878 00:50:33,561 --> 00:50:35,401 So we found a local golf course 879 00:50:35,481 --> 00:50:38,841 and had a debate about which car would be most fitting 880 00:50:38,961 --> 00:50:40,521 for our special treatment. 881 00:50:42,601 --> 00:50:43,601 Not bad. 882 00:50:49,761 --> 00:50:51,401 Have we talked about Fiat? 883 00:50:51,961 --> 00:50:52,961 Doblo. 884 00:50:53,401 --> 00:50:54,721 But I think the Doblo's good. 885 00:50:54,921 --> 00:50:55,921 Oh, come on. 886 00:50:56,001 --> 00:50:58,241 - No, but I know... - It's as good as yourjumper. 887 00:50:58,641 --> 00:51:01,041 But the Doblo isn't bad, isn't it? It looks quite amusing. 888 00:51:01,121 --> 00:51:03,681 - It is bad, it's shocking... - No, I'm not giving you the Doblo. 889 00:51:03,761 --> 00:51:05,841 - You're not having that for sure. - Is it still me? 890 00:51:06,001 --> 00:51:07,001 Yes. 891 00:51:07,241 --> 00:51:10,561 Can I tell you something I've never ever owned up to before? 892 00:51:11,001 --> 00:51:13,081 But we all know, Jeremy don't worry about it. 893 00:51:13,881 --> 00:51:15,241 I've never ever... 894 00:51:17,801 --> 00:51:20,801 I've never driven a Seat. 895 00:51:21,241 --> 00:51:22,241 I have. 896 00:51:22,961 --> 00:51:23,961 Are they rubbish? 897 00:51:25,401 --> 00:51:26,601 Well, they're dull. 898 00:51:26,681 --> 00:51:28,761 You know, they're just like cheap VW's. 899 00:51:29,361 --> 00:51:31,521 Could we include some of those old British marques? 900 00:51:31,601 --> 00:51:32,721 What about... 901 00:51:32,921 --> 00:51:35,321 - Wolseley Hornet. - Exactly, Triumph Mayflower. 902 00:51:35,401 --> 00:51:36,961 The Austin Healey 3000, 903 00:51:37,041 --> 00:51:39,001 which everybody thinks is wonderful, but it's terrible. 904 00:51:39,201 --> 00:51:40,841 MG RV8. 905 00:51:41,281 --> 00:51:44,241 That was a hopeless, hopeless car, 906 00:51:44,441 --> 00:51:47,281 -fitted with a massive engine... - And looked terrible. 907 00:51:51,321 --> 00:51:52,321 It's in the woods. 908 00:51:52,921 --> 00:51:54,041 Qh. James! 909 00:51:54,401 --> 00:51:55,721 - What? - James? 910 00:51:56,001 --> 00:51:57,481 - What? - May! 911 00:51:59,801 --> 00:52:02,081 - What? - Rolls-Royce Ca ma rgue. 912 00:52:02,481 --> 00:52:03,681 No, I love it. 913 00:52:04,361 --> 00:52:05,361 What? 914 00:52:05,841 --> 00:52:08,601 - They were great, rode really well... - They weren't great, they were shocking. 915 00:52:08,681 --> 00:52:09,921 Hurry up and hit your ball. 916 00:52:11,361 --> 00:52:13,281 What about the Vauxhall Vectra? 917 00:52:13,481 --> 00:52:14,601 No. 918 00:52:14,681 --> 00:52:17,601 I would rather have double pneumonia 919 00:52:18,961 --> 00:52:20,161 than a Vectra. 920 00:52:32,241 --> 00:52:33,241 What's the score? 921 00:52:34,321 --> 00:52:35,601 - About equal. - Yeah. 922 00:52:36,961 --> 00:52:39,081 Well, we haven't really talked about the Japanese. 923 00:52:39,401 --> 00:52:40,481 Hang on. 924 00:52:41,521 --> 00:52:44,281 I mean, thejapanese have made a lot of dull cars, but... 925 00:52:44,361 --> 00:52:47,521 Right. Suzuki X90. 926 00:52:47,601 --> 00:52:50,081 Oh, very good. Very good. 927 00:52:50,161 --> 00:52:52,481 The one that looks exactly the same going backwards... 928 00:52:52,561 --> 00:52:54,761 Yes, and had a bit taken out the middle. 929 00:52:55,081 --> 00:52:56,161 That's not bad. 930 00:53:00,481 --> 00:53:02,081 What about Toyota? 931 00:53:02,161 --> 00:53:04,201 I mean, what about the Corolla? That's... 932 00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,721 But it's not bad car, is it? It's just boring. 933 00:53:06,801 --> 00:53:09,281 Yeah, boring. But, I tell you what. 934 00:53:10,721 --> 00:53:12,601 Toyota gives me an idea. 935 00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:21,121 JEREMY: This is a Lexus LFA. 936 00:53:24,841 --> 00:53:28,601 A car I've looked forward to driving for about 72 years. 937 00:53:30,721 --> 00:53:32,321 So, is it disappointing? 938 00:53:33,441 --> 00:53:35,801 No, not even a little bit. 939 00:53:42,081 --> 00:53:43,441 How would you describe this? 940 00:53:44,081 --> 00:53:47,361 Well, it's tricky 'cause it's too wide to be a sports car, 941 00:53:47,441 --> 00:53:51,081 it's too sort of raw to be a GT car. 942 00:53:51,161 --> 00:53:52,681 And the engine's in the front. 943 00:53:53,641 --> 00:53:55,681 So it isn't a supercar. 944 00:54:02,321 --> 00:54:04,801 The only thing it does remind me of a bit is the Ferrari, 945 00:54:04,881 --> 00:54:06,881 the GTO, the 599 GTO. 946 00:54:06,961 --> 00:54:08,921 - What? Kato? - Kato, yeah. 947 00:54:10,481 --> 00:54:12,001 JEREMY: They're both front engines. 948 00:54:12,081 --> 00:54:14,961 They both sort of road-going racers. 949 00:54:15,201 --> 00:54:19,641 And they both cost about £340,000. 950 00:54:20,241 --> 00:54:22,321 Although, the difference is, this isn't trying to kill us. 951 00:54:22,881 --> 00:54:25,041 -(CLARKSON LAUGHS) - With its car kung fu. 952 00:54:34,481 --> 00:54:37,681 No, the Ferrari is more mental than this, more powerful than this. 953 00:54:37,881 --> 00:54:40,641 Driving one of those is like being machine gunned. 954 00:54:40,721 --> 00:54:43,441 I mean, it's just starting now to spit with rain. 955 00:54:43,521 --> 00:54:46,841 If I was in a GTO, some poo would be coming out. 956 00:54:46,961 --> 00:54:48,121 But in this... 957 00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:50,441 More would be coming out of me, in fairness. 958 00:54:50,521 --> 00:54:52,121 This is just brilliant. 959 00:55:00,641 --> 00:55:04,481 JEREMY: You certainly don '2' want to get the LFA in a game of top trumps. 960 00:55:05,001 --> 00:55:10,001 The 4.8 litre V70 produces just 552 horsepower. 961 00:55:10,121 --> 00:55:13,801 Over a hundred less than the 5.9.9 GT 0. 962 00:55:14,641 --> 00:55:18,841 It does 0-60 in a yawning 3. 7 seconds. 963 00:55:20,001 --> 00:55:24,121 Ana' the top speed is only just on the right side of 200. 964 00:55:24,721 --> 00:55:28,481 It isn't e ven particularly striking to look at. 965 00:55:28,761 --> 00:55:30,081 Andyez'... 966 00:55:33,881 --> 00:55:38,201 You know they took nine years to design and develop this car. 967 00:55:38,281 --> 00:55:39,761 Nine years! 968 00:55:39,841 --> 00:55:42,121 JAMES: You know, it was actually ready after five yea rs. 969 00:55:42,201 --> 00:55:44,001 It was ready to go into production and they suddenly said, 970 00:55:44,081 --> 00:55:45,961 "No, hang on, we don't want to make it out of aluminium, 971 00:55:46,041 --> 00:55:48,481 "we want to make it out of carbon fibre." And then they started again. 972 00:55:48,601 --> 00:55:50,121 They did, they went back to the drawing board. 973 00:55:50,201 --> 00:55:52,601 Then there were endless laps at the Nurburgring. 974 00:55:52,681 --> 00:55:53,681 Quite a mistake. 975 00:55:53,761 --> 00:55:57,201 There were endless tiny adjustments to the steering, 976 00:55:57,281 --> 00:56:00,561 and the brakes and the exhaust, until it was 977 00:56:01,281 --> 00:56:03,721 absolutely perfect. 978 00:56:12,561 --> 00:56:17,721 It actually feels like you're sitting inside a machine. 979 00:56:20,321 --> 00:56:23,041 Lexus normally do everything they can 980 00:56:23,121 --> 00:56:25,561 to disguise that their cars are machines. 981 00:56:26,481 --> 00:56:29,801 But in this, they are acknowledging, celebrating, 982 00:56:29,881 --> 00:56:33,561 that you're being propelled by bits of metal flying around. 983 00:56:36,721 --> 00:56:38,281 You know what this car feels like? 984 00:56:40,081 --> 00:56:41,361 A racing car. 985 00:56:41,721 --> 00:56:42,961 It really does. 986 00:56:43,481 --> 00:56:45,881 And sounds like one. 987 00:56:49,441 --> 00:56:50,441 Ch! 988 00:56:54,521 --> 00:56:56,721 It's bloody brilliant. 989 00:57:02,241 --> 00:57:05,641 JEREMY: It is a beautiful piece of engineering, this. 990 00:57:05,961 --> 00:57:08,241 It has a single clutch, paddle shifzj gear box 991 00:57:08,321 --> 00:57:11,161 because that gives a better mechanical feel 992 00:57:11,241 --> 00:57:13,601 than a trendy double clutch system. 993 00:57:14,401 --> 00:57:17,961 Ana' it has a transaxle, for better weight distribution. 994 00:57:20,241 --> 00:57:22,521 I'll tell you what this is, it's is an intelligent car 995 00:57:22,601 --> 00:57:24,521 made by intelligent people. 996 00:57:24,601 --> 00:57:26,561 It's actually highbrow. 997 00:57:28,601 --> 00:57:33,001 JEREMY: The trouble is there's one other highbrow japanese car on the market. 998 00:57:33,121 --> 00:57:34,641 The Nissan G T R. 999 00:57:35,561 --> 00:57:36,961 How much is one of those? 1000 00:57:37,881 --> 00:57:39,401 About 70,000. 1001 00:57:39,641 --> 00:57:41,561 And how much was this again? 1002 00:57:41,641 --> 00:57:43,241 340,000. 1003 00:57:44,041 --> 00:57:45,441 Right. 1004 00:57:46,721 --> 00:57:50,321 JEREMY: That really was the only bit of lunacy with the LFA. 1005 00:57:50,401 --> 00:57:51,441 The price. 1006 00:57:51,521 --> 00:57:54,241 So, let's have a look now at a Toyota 1007 00:57:54,321 --> 00:57:57,361 that doesn't cost quite so much. 1008 00:58:03,041 --> 00:58:05,321 The brand new GT 86. 1009 00:58:06,001 --> 00:58:08,801 On paper it doesn't sound very exciting at all. 1010 00:58:08,881 --> 00:58:13,641 It has a two-litre engine which produces less than 200 horsepower. 1011 00:58:15,721 --> 00:58:19,321 And as a result, it has a top speed from the 19805 1012 00:58:19,401 --> 00:58:24,081 and the 0-60 time of a not particularly dramatic animal. 1013 00:58:26,001 --> 00:58:30,641 So, it's not very fast and it doesn't look very exciting either. 1014 00:58:31,881 --> 00:58:34,641 But do not be fooled by appearances 1015 00:58:34,721 --> 00:58:38,361 or the lowly £25,000 price tag 1016 00:58:38,441 --> 00:58:41,801 because this is one of the best cars 1017 00:58:41,881 --> 00:58:44,841 I have driven in ages. 1018 00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:59,681 The engine may be small but it's a Subaru boxer unit. 1019 00:58:59,921 --> 00:59:02,641 So the centre of gravity is very low. 1020 00:59:03,041 --> 00:59:04,561 There's a proper snicky, 1021 00:59:05,281 --> 00:59:07,441 six-speed manual gearbox. 1022 00:59:08,241 --> 00:59:12,601 And joy of joys, drive goes to the back. 1023 00:59:18,041 --> 00:59:20,801 Ana' I haven '2' got to the master stroke yet. 1024 00:59:22,081 --> 00:59:26,521 In recent years, car manufacturers have been obsessed with grip. 1025 00:59:26,601 --> 00:59:29,561 How fast a car can go round a corner. 1026 00:59:29,761 --> 00:59:34,441 And that of course means fitting low profile fat tyres. 1027 00:59:36,521 --> 00:59:39,761 With this though, Toyota have done the exact opposite. 1028 00:59:41,161 --> 00:59:43,681 It is fitted with tyres from a Prius. 1029 00:59:43,761 --> 00:59:46,961 Skinny, ecological, not gr/jopy at all. 1030 00:59:47,641 --> 00:59:49,721 And the results are dramatic. 1031 01:00:01,881 --> 01:00:03,241 Okay, turn in. 1032 01:00:03,601 --> 01:00:06,401 And immediately the back is sliding. 1033 01:00:12,161 --> 01:00:14,321 And you have all the lock in the world, 1034 01:00:15,561 --> 01:00:19,961 just enough power, to hold the slide for as long as you like. 1035 01:00:22,521 --> 01:00:25,201 Or, until the tyres burst, anyway. 1036 01:00:25,281 --> 01:00:27,401 This is just fantastic. 1037 01:00:27,961 --> 01:00:30,161 (LAUGHING) 1038 01:00:30,481 --> 01:00:34,481 You can be Ken Block on every single roundabout. 1039 01:00:34,961 --> 01:00:39,321 You can break traction without ever breaking the speed limit. 1040 01:00:40,521 --> 01:00:42,841 I'm doing this at 20 miles an hour. 1041 01:00:46,961 --> 01:00:49,801 That would be legal in a residential zone. 1042 01:00:50,761 --> 01:00:52,081 Probably. 1043 01:00:55,441 --> 01:00:58,601 Plain! y then, this £25, 000 Toyota 1044 01:00:58,681 --> 01:01:02,561 was designed by enthusiasts for enthusiasts. 1045 01:01:03,641 --> 01:01:06,121 So, what on earth were they thinking of 1046 01:01:07,561 --> 01:01:09,001 when they built this. 1047 01:01:16,961 --> 01:01:20,361 This is a Lexus SC 430. 1048 01:01:21,001 --> 01:01:22,201 Hideous, isn't it? 1049 01:01:23,601 --> 01:01:27,041 For inspiration, the stylists from japan and Europe 1050 01:01:27,321 --> 01:01:30,801 went to the Cote d'Azur to study the architecture, the lifestyle 1051 01:01:30,881 --> 01:01:32,041 and the harbours. 1052 01:01:32,121 --> 01:01:34,881 Ah, well, that's what they told their bosses they'd done. 1053 01:01:35,481 --> 01:01:37,361 So you're suggesting they went on a holiday. 1054 01:01:37,681 --> 01:01:38,721 Well... 1055 01:01:39,281 --> 01:01:40,761 - (GROANS) - Yes, certainly. 1056 01:01:40,841 --> 01:01:43,921 "We could go to south of France and study things," Yeah, right. 1057 01:01:44,481 --> 01:01:46,401 They haven't drunk any beer or wine at all. 1058 01:01:49,921 --> 01:01:54,681 They claim the 430 looks like a south of France yacht. 1059 01:01:55,001 --> 01:01:56,521 But I'm not so sure. 1060 01:02:10,241 --> 01:02:13,361 One thing's for sure, it is a lot more Buick Riviera, 1061 01:02:13,441 --> 01:02:15,281 than it is French Riviera. 1062 01:02:17,041 --> 01:02:22,761 Under the bonnezj there's a 4.3 litre V8 which developed 300 horsepower. 1063 01:02:23,721 --> 01:02:26,681 That's about half what it needs. 1064 01:02:27,041 --> 01:02:31,761 Well, interestingly, the electric roof takes 25 seconds to fold away. 1065 01:02:34,481 --> 01:02:37,921 Which is about twice as long as it should. 1066 01:02:38,001 --> 01:02:41,041 Do you know they made the roof out of aluminium to save weight? 1067 01:02:41,121 --> 01:02:44,081 Yeah, but why did they do that and then put this wood in it, 1068 01:02:44,161 --> 01:02:46,481 because that's not light, is it? 1069 01:02:46,561 --> 01:02:48,001 No, no, it gets worse, watch. 1070 01:02:48,321 --> 01:02:51,201 Mmm... More wood is on its way! 1071 01:02:51,761 --> 01:02:54,121 - What sort of wood is that? - They claim it's maple. 1072 01:02:54,841 --> 01:02:57,481 - Is it? - Is it? 1073 01:02:58,241 --> 01:03:01,841 JEREMY: Of course, you might forgive all this stuff if it was nice to drive. 1074 01:03:02,761 --> 01:03:03,921 But it wasn't. 1075 01:03:04,961 --> 01:03:06,921 This half-timbered steering wheel 1076 01:03:07,001 --> 01:03:09,801 is about as communicative as a half-timbered cottage. 1077 01:03:09,881 --> 01:03:13,321 You have no idea what the front wheels are doing. 1078 01:03:13,401 --> 01:03:15,361 Yeah, but never mind that. Have you felt the ride? 1079 01:03:17,081 --> 01:03:20,481 The ride in this thing is absolutely diabolical. 1080 01:03:20,561 --> 01:03:22,521 This isn't a particularly bad road. 1081 01:03:22,601 --> 01:03:25,681 No, and look at us. We're bouncing around all over the place. 1082 01:03:26,841 --> 01:03:30,561 Lexus trying to build a luxury sports cruiser 1083 01:03:30,641 --> 01:03:33,281 in the mould of the Mercedes SL 1084 01:03:33,481 --> 01:03:37,201 is like us two designing a golf bat. 1085 01:03:37,321 --> 01:03:39,401 It just wouldn't be any good. 1086 01:03:39,601 --> 01:03:40,761 JAMES: There's only one word to describe 1087 01:03:40,841 --> 01:03:42,281 the sort of person who would buy this car. 1088 01:03:42,361 --> 01:03:44,081 A n A merican 1089 01:03:44,241 --> 01:03:48,121 Mmm... More specifically an elderly American. 1090 01:03:48,441 --> 01:03:50,561 Because this was the last car ever made 1091 01:03:50,641 --> 01:03:52,841 to be fitted as standard with a cassette player. 1092 01:03:53,321 --> 01:03:54,361 - Was it really? - H m m . 1093 01:03:54,681 --> 01:03:56,441 I didn't know that but I'm glad I do. 1094 01:03:56,641 --> 01:03:57,641 Says it all. 1095 01:03:58,521 --> 01:04:03,121 JAMES: This then is definitely a contender for our special treatment. 1096 01:04:08,721 --> 01:04:12,281 This 35-year-old Peugeoti ho we vet; isn 't. 1097 01:04:14,361 --> 01:04:17,041 This is a great Peugeot. 1098 01:04:17,241 --> 01:04:19,601 The 504 Estate. 1099 01:04:21,001 --> 01:04:23,001 It was built to conquer Africa. 1100 01:04:23,081 --> 01:04:27,001 It was as rugged and as dependable as a Maasai warrior. 1101 01:04:29,041 --> 01:04:31,521 It was also quite a bit more practical than a Maasai warrior, 1102 01:04:31,601 --> 01:04:34,041 so it conquered quite a bit of urban Europe as well. 1103 01:04:34,921 --> 01:04:39,361 Later Peugeot stopped making cars for A frica and came up with this. 1104 01:04:43,721 --> 01:04:46,521 A car for the complex at Croft. 1105 01:04:49,961 --> 01:04:53,161 I remember thinking back in the late '70s 1106 01:04:53,241 --> 01:04:57,481 there would never be a hot hatchback as good as a Golf GTI. 1107 01:04:58,681 --> 01:04:59,681 This was, though. 1108 01:05:08,361 --> 01:05:11,801 The expression "joie de vivre", you're probably familiar with it. 1109 01:05:12,441 --> 01:05:15,401 It's French for Peugeot 205 GTI. 1110 01:05:18,281 --> 01:05:21,041 So if you were buying a Peugeot you would expect 1111 01:05:21,121 --> 01:05:22,881 a blend of these qualities. 1112 01:05:23,001 --> 01:05:27,161 Toughness, ruggedness, forged on the anvil of Africa. 1113 01:05:27,241 --> 01:05:30,081 And peppy, puppy dog enthusiasm. 1114 01:05:30,321 --> 01:05:31,961 But, no. 1115 01:05:33,961 --> 01:05:37,961 Today's Peugeots are a sea of awfulness. 1116 01:05:40,841 --> 01:05:45,801 And rising to the top of this cesspit of utter woefulness is this. 1117 01:05:46,041 --> 01:05:48,721 The Peugeot 308. 1118 01:05:50,121 --> 01:05:51,641 - Diesel. - Diesel. 1119 01:05:51,801 --> 01:05:54,641 Let's unpack this pile of peu de ch/en, actually. 1120 01:05:54,721 --> 01:05:56,121 We'll start with its face. 1121 01:05:56,641 --> 01:05:59,241 Because admittedly, this isn't the biggest gob 1122 01:05:59,321 --> 01:06:00,761 we've seen on a Peugeot in recent years. 1123 01:06:00,841 --> 01:06:02,401 But it isn't small enough. 1124 01:06:02,481 --> 01:06:05,601 And it's like one of those local councillor's faces. 1125 01:06:05,721 --> 01:06:09,161 Do you know what I mean? Promising a lot, but delivering nothing. 1126 01:06:13,721 --> 01:06:17,601 The ride, for example, okay. It's quite firm in an un-French sort of way, 1127 01:06:17,681 --> 01:06:20,921 and yet it handles like a big bag of damp laundry. 1128 01:06:21,001 --> 01:06:23,121 It feels all weighty and turgid. 1129 01:06:23,201 --> 01:06:25,001 The controls feel turgid. 1130 01:06:26,401 --> 01:06:29,361 - But, James, if I may? - You may. 1131 01:06:29,441 --> 01:06:33,001 The modern day Peugeot does provide a valuable public service. 1132 01:06:33,881 --> 01:06:34,881 How does it? 1133 01:06:36,041 --> 01:06:39,441 Because in the '70s, all bad drivers had Volvos. 1134 01:06:39,521 --> 01:06:41,081 So you saw a Volvo, you knew 1135 01:06:41,161 --> 01:06:43,121 it was being driven by someone who couldn't drive very well. 1136 01:06:43,201 --> 01:06:45,961 And just because it was in the left lane indicating left 1137 01:06:46,041 --> 01:06:48,761 didn't necessarily mean it was actually going to turn left. 1138 01:06:48,841 --> 01:06:50,921 - Yes. - Then Volvo started making good cars. 1139 01:06:51,001 --> 01:06:53,801 So the bad drivers migrated to Rover. 1140 01:06:53,881 --> 01:06:56,561 Then Rover went bust, so the people who were buying Rovers 1141 01:06:56,641 --> 01:06:58,721 -are now in Peugeots. - Yes. 1142 01:06:58,801 --> 01:07:00,881 So actually, they're quite useful. 1143 01:07:01,001 --> 01:07:03,081 I was teaching my daughter to drive the other day. 1144 01:07:03,161 --> 01:07:04,401 And she went, "Now mirrors..." I said, "Never mind 1145 01:07:04,481 --> 01:07:05,521 "mirror signal manoeuvre. 1146 01:07:05,601 --> 01:07:08,521 "The first thing you have to know as a new driver is, 1147 01:07:08,681 --> 01:07:11,681 "see a Peugeot, just cover the brake pedal." 1148 01:07:15,041 --> 01:07:17,961 JEREMY: We asked z"Yor/(shire Stig to test it for us. 1149 01:07:18,481 --> 01:07:20,641 Ana' this was his response. 1150 01:07:33,641 --> 01:07:36,081 This car, then, meets all of our criteria 1151 01:07:36,161 --> 01:07:38,921 for the title of Worst Car in the World. 1152 01:07:39,081 --> 01:07:42,161 It's not very nice to drive, it's not very nice to look at. 1153 01:07:42,361 --> 01:07:44,481 It doesn't appear to be very well made. 1154 01:07:44,641 --> 01:07:47,401 It's no cheaper than its vastly superior rivals. 1155 01:07:47,481 --> 01:07:49,921 It's not very comfortable, nor is it very fast. 1156 01:07:50,001 --> 01:07:53,241 It's made by a manufacturer that really should know better. 1157 01:07:53,321 --> 01:07:57,481 It's lazy, it's slovenly, it's unimaginative and we hate it. 1158 01:07:57,881 --> 01:08:02,481 But, James, do we hate it as much as we hate this filthy, filthy Lexus? 1159 01:08:03,281 --> 01:08:04,881 Well, that's a slightly ridiculous question. 1160 01:08:04,961 --> 01:08:06,961 It's like asking me which of your legs I hate the most, 1161 01:08:07,041 --> 01:08:08,881 the left one or the right one. 1162 01:08:08,961 --> 01:08:11,001 We have to make our minds up. 1163 01:08:11,081 --> 01:08:13,841 JEREMY: Only one thing was for sure. 1164 01:08:15,081 --> 01:08:19,281 One of these cars was going to get our special treatment. 1165 01:08:20,961 --> 01:08:22,601 So we're agreed. 1166 01:08:22,681 --> 01:08:23,681 Yes. 1167 01:08:24,121 --> 01:08:27,761 We're prepared to name the worst car in the world ever. 1168 01:08:28,161 --> 01:08:31,921 The worst car in the world, all things considered, ever, yes. 1169 01:08:32,041 --> 01:08:34,201 The car that we're going to... 1170 01:08:35,081 --> 01:08:37,001 - Yes. - Yeah. 1171 01:08:38,681 --> 01:08:40,361 JEREMY: This then is what we think 1172 01:08:40,441 --> 01:08:43,481 is the worst car, all things considered, of all time. 1173 01:08:46,681 --> 01:08:49,881 The Lexus SC 430. 1174 01:08:54,961 --> 01:08:57,081 And what we're going to do is very simple. 1175 01:08:57,241 --> 01:09:00,201 We are going to give it to someone who we think 1176 01:09:00,281 --> 01:09:02,081 will appreciate it very much. 1177 01:09:02,401 --> 01:09:05,441 That's right, we're on our way to his house right now. 1178 01:09:16,321 --> 01:09:17,561 JEREMY: (WHISPERING) This is it, isn't it? 1179 01:09:17,801 --> 01:09:19,201 (WHISPERING) That's the... That's it. 1180 01:09:19,681 --> 01:09:21,081 Shh! 1181 01:09:23,881 --> 01:09:24,881 Wait for it. 1182 01:09:28,241 --> 01:09:29,361 That'll stop burglars. 1183 01:09:29,761 --> 01:09:31,121 (BOTH SNICKERING) 1184 01:09:32,241 --> 01:09:34,281 JAMES: just go very gently over the gravely drive. 1185 01:09:38,521 --> 01:09:40,521 JAMES: Shh! Don't no big throttle. 1186 01:09:40,921 --> 01:09:42,361 Now just gently, gently. 1187 01:09:42,481 --> 01:09:44,081 (WHISPERING) No, we don't want to wake him up. 1188 01:09:48,441 --> 01:09:49,641 He's going to love it. 1189 01:09:49,881 --> 01:09:51,961 I think he's going to love it, just stop there, stop. 1190 01:09:53,881 --> 01:09:55,481 JAMES: Off, off, off, off. 1191 01:09:57,361 --> 01:09:59,521 - Don't slam the door. - Shh. 1192 01:10:02,281 --> 01:10:03,281 So... 1193 01:10:03,921 --> 01:10:07,201 Who would live in a house like this? 1194 01:10:07,921 --> 01:10:11,361 Let's... Let's examine the evidence. 1195 01:10:13,001 --> 01:10:16,201 Well, we've got electric gates. 1196 01:10:16,441 --> 01:10:17,441 No... (CLEARS THROAT) 1197 01:10:18,041 --> 01:10:21,081 - Hideous French-style water feature. - Yes. 1198 01:10:22,841 --> 01:10:24,361 And a pillared porch. 1199 01:10:24,441 --> 01:10:27,001 Absolutely, and there's more evidence still. 1200 01:10:27,561 --> 01:10:29,521 We know we're looking at a wealthy man. 1201 01:10:29,601 --> 01:10:30,801 - Definitely. - But... 1202 01:10:30,881 --> 01:10:32,521 The American flag. 1203 01:10:32,681 --> 01:10:35,121 And over there unless I'm very much mistaken, 1204 01:10:35,681 --> 01:10:37,121 that's a Ford Mustang. 1205 01:10:38,441 --> 01:10:40,921 Hang on, hang on. Look at these. 1206 01:10:41,841 --> 01:10:42,881 These are like... 1207 01:10:42,961 --> 01:10:47,001 These are like lions but somebody has carved their own face in them. 1208 01:10:48,441 --> 01:10:52,881 Who on earth would carve their own face into a stone lion? 1209 01:10:55,561 --> 01:10:57,001 (BOTH GIGGLING) 1210 01:10:57,121 --> 01:11:00,041 Plainly, somebody with incredibly small feet. 1211 01:11:01,121 --> 01:11:03,401 (BOTH LAUGHING) Look at that. 1212 01:11:04,681 --> 01:11:07,201 It's a size 5. (BOTH LAUGHING) 1213 01:11:07,841 --> 01:11:09,521 And that's the biggest one there. (BOTH LAUGHING) 1214 01:11:11,161 --> 01:11:15,281 Look, to be brutally honest, it's time we put you out of your misery. 1215 01:11:15,521 --> 01:11:17,481 JAMES: Shh. 1216 01:11:18,801 --> 01:11:21,641 The person to whom we have bequeathed 1217 01:11:22,161 --> 01:11:25,441 the worst car in the world, all things considered, 1218 01:11:26,241 --> 01:11:27,721 his name appears on, 1219 01:11:28,201 --> 01:11:31,641 the V5 document for the Lexus SC 430. 1220 01:11:32,201 --> 01:11:33,881 And here it is... 1221 01:11:33,961 --> 01:11:36,881 It's Mr Richard Hammond. 1222 01:11:37,161 --> 01:11:38,161 (BOTH GIGGLING) 1223 01:11:38,321 --> 01:11:40,561 Now listen, you pop that through the letterbox, okay? 1224 01:11:40,641 --> 01:11:41,721 All right, okay. 1225 01:11:41,801 --> 01:11:44,281 'Cause all that remains for us to do now 1226 01:11:44,401 --> 01:11:48,601 is take away his Ford Mustang in part exchange. 1227 01:11:50,641 --> 01:11:51,641 Have you got the key? 1228 01:11:52,321 --> 01:11:55,441 It's a '60s Ford, you can start it with a teaspoon. 1229 01:11:55,681 --> 01:11:56,721 Get to work. 1230 01:11:59,921 --> 01:12:01,281 (CAR ENGIN E STARTS) 1231 01:12:01,361 --> 01:12:02,921 - Aha! - Excellent! 1232 01:12:03,561 --> 01:12:05,001 Thank you for watching. 1233 01:12:05,361 --> 01:12:07,561 - Yes, goodbye. - Good bye.